It's been awhile since I last updated on how life has been, whether it be on here or fb.
For the most part life is good. For the most part.
I'm still living with my parents. I have NO idea when housing will kick in so I can move out. I have found, by this time now, 4 apartments that are 3 bedrooms and fit under their guidelines for me, and now only 1 is available. I can't put a deposit down until I get the ok unless I want to pay it all on my own and let's face it....my job I have now... there's no way. I have a feeling I'll be saying "I have been sleeping on my parent's couch for a year now" by the time I can move out. My back...killing me. My sanity....lets not even go there. We NEED our own space and SOON!! I hate living out of clothes baskets that get disorganized very quickly. I hate not having my own things. I hate not having my own privacy. I hate that I feel I'm holding Ethan back from walking because I don't like having him on the floor here due to all the dog hair. If I had a better paying job, and child support to help, it'd be a lot easier than waiting on housing.
Speaking of job, I'm still where I've been at. No clinic job yet, BUT I have found out why it's taking so long to get one. I don't have my certification card yet, which has a number on there so employers can find me on the AAMA site to know if I'm legit or not. Since I didn't have that on my applications, they tossed it to the side without even LOOKING at my application. I put in the comments sections that I took the certification exam and passed on such and such a date and have documented proof and so forth, but they never even looked at it because at the very top of the application I didn't have my number.
SO I called all these clinics' HR people and chatted with them, they found my number, and I reapplied everywhere again. This process just happened recently so hopefully this time next month I'll have the job I've always wanted or I'll at least be putting my 2 weeks in.
For now, though, I've been able to work more than I have been since I have a good friend that quit her job so she can be my full time babysitter. Still not making enough though, since it is a minimum wage job. Ridiculous.
Emotional status-mixed. I've been doing good for the most part, but I have been feeling that pain again. I'm also angry. Very. Angry. The boys seem to be getting at the eye of their storm right now, especially Logan. Logan has been crying himself to sleep damn near every night. Cameron does sometimes, but not as much. Because they miss their dad. Eric, since he's so smart and sees our daily life now I guess, thinks that it's my fault. That I'm doing or saying something that makes them hurt like this. And apparently they want to be with him more because he actually does things with them when he has them.
They went from seeing you everyday and talking to you everyday to no phone calls and twice a month of seeing you. You are their DAD. What about this is difficult for him to comprehend and feels the need to think that they are kids so they shouldn't still hurt after this long and feel the need to think I'm doing something to them? If roles were reversed and he had them full time, they'd cry for me, no matter how "awesome" he was for them.
I could write an entire separate blog about this crap. I'm doing all that I can for my boys to help them. I may have my issues with Eric, but I NEVER speak negatively about him around the boys. I even encourage them to talk to me about their dad in hopes that it helps them. I do whatever I can but since I'm not their dad and that's what's hurting them... I'll never be able to help them 100%.
Boyfriend: He's still amazing. He's just getting more amazing day by day. He has been helping me on my bad days that I've been having lately. He has even gotten to the point where he can just look at me and can tell something is stressing me out. He noticed it one day as I was getting a text from Eric(something on my face or body language must've changed cuz I never said a thing) and he lowered my phone and grabbed my face and said, "you don't need to stress over that. Just breathe and focus on something else." And kissed my forehead. He's not like Eric at all. He never thinks I shouldn't feel the way I feel on certain days or even in certain moments. He doesn't ever think I'm over reacting or thrive on drama and therefore create my own stress. Eric was like that. Drew understands I'm still fighting a battle. A very justifiable battle. And he's there lending me a helping hand when I need it and helps me refocus on what is more important. I say it that way because on those really bad days, I overthink and think obsessively over and over about things that are already done and nothing can be done about it-unimportant.
He's amazing with my boys. He puts them first, even when they aren't there. He's constantly thinking about them. He already has the mind and heart of a dad. It's quite impressive.
Example: one rainy day we all watched a movie together, he tagged along with us while I went shopping for summer clothes and new shoes for the boys(and what guy wants to tag along shopping??), and I mentioned that we were gunna go home when we were done and it's showers and early bed because everyone was kinda blah that day. Plus I was thinking to end the day on that note because the boys' attitudes and hyperness were getting even on my nerves honestly. I want to EASE him into it, not scare him away. Haha!
But Drew was kinda "sad" and said "does it have to be early bed? We can go back to my place and watch another movie."
Then the very next day when I went over without the boys, he just kept asking what movies they've seen and haven't seen then ordered a ton of movies from Netflix to watch with the boys.
When he calls, he asks what the boys are up to and how they're doing. When we make plans, he brings up ideas for the boys. He asks when they'll be with their dad so if he had an idea, he'll plan it around that.
Not only that, but he's there for them like he is for me, emotionally. Logan broke down in public because he was acting way out of line and all I asked was "what's going on that's making you do these things, baby?" Because I know him. He's never like this unless something is bothering him to the point of acting out in anger or hurt. And he broke down crying saying he misses his dad. Drew was with and I was trying to talk to Logan about it, and Drew stepped in and hugged him and kept telling him "it's ok, buddy." And just held him and let him cry.
This man is not going anywhere. He's gotten the worst I can give him (mental breakdown that landed me in the psych hospital) and he's seen how my kids can have bad days and how it greatly affects their behavior. He has seen me AND my children all have bad days and how hard that can be. And he's handled it all very well. Especially....ESPECIALLY for someone who's not used to kids.
So these days, there's a lot of light at the end of my dark tunnel, but I don't feel out of this tunnel just yet. There's a lot of work that needs to be done with not only myself still, but my children. Plus a lot of the day to day stress that also snowballs into everything will be greatly diminished once I can get my own place and have a job that easily pays more than double start off what I'm making now. That and having child support kick in because the boys are growing FAST, especially Logan. Up to this point he's been in hand me downs from family. That resource has run out because he has grown bigger than that resource. Haha!
To wrap this up, for the most part we're doing fine. We're all still just trying to heal. I got through the worst of my storm, and unfortunately, Logan is just hitting his.