What I find kinda...funny? Ironic? Stupid? I don't know the correct word to use here. BUT, is that I had a mental breakdown, became depressed & suicidal, ended up in the hospital in psych for it over my soon-to-be-ex-husband....aaaannndd I'm dating someone.
Yes, I do feel horrible about it. The obsessive thinking of my soon-to-be-ex-husband while dating someone else. The mental breakdown because of it. And in that mental breakdown, even wanting my husband back when that was one thing that before my breakdown I was sure of that I didn't want because I knew I'd just get hurt again & things would never be the same. That was the one thing I managed to get past on my own, but in the eye of the hurricane of the mental breakdown(which was the first 2 days in the hospital) my messed up mind somehow thought if I got my husband back, all would be right in the world and I wouldn't be in the hospital. HA!
Yes...I feel very VERY shitty about that, and if I could've controlled my thoughts, I would've never thought that because I really, honestly do like this new guy.
In my last post when I explained how obsessive my thinking of Eric was...the only time my mind was quiet about him was while I was with this guy or while talking/texting him. I honestly and genuinely enjoyed our time together and it always made me happy...still does.
I won't tell about how we met and when just yet. We're not even "official" like "boyfriend/girlfriend." We're just...dating...and enjoying each other's company and getting to know one another.
What I'm going to share today is how this person that hasn't known me for very long...this guy that I tried to push away because I didn't want to even think about dating but he pushed back...this guy who I have told EVERYTHING about my issues and insecurities and was told I will be testy and pushy with him and he took it all with the most patience and understanding I've ever seen in a person....finally helped my mind make a connection that wasn't there before...
And even if this dating thing doesnt end up official and it doesn't work out...I will forever respect him and thank him for doing that for me. And he didn't even SAY anything that made my mind click.
While in the hospital, my mom obviously called alot. But in the worst of my breakdown while there, she said she was going to talk to Eric, let him know what's going on. He was going to be in town to drop the kids off anyways, so she'd have to talk to him about where I was. Fine...ok...I didn't care. I then thought he should know, in case he could take the kids any extra days or something. She then asked if he should visit me, because we might as well talk while I'm in a safe place, right? I had mixed feelings about that. The crazy part of my brain said yes, but what little part was left of my logical brain screamed no. What came out of my mouth was "I don't care." As in I don't care what you say or do. Well...he never showed up.
A couple days later, I get told by my nurse that I have a visitor and it's a guy. I'm FREAKING out! I, for some reason, had high anxiety a couple hours before this and I had taken a med for it but it wasn't doing anything for me now! I'm thinking it's Eric. My nurse said she can tell him I don't want visitors, but I said no...like a bandaid. Get this over with, but she may need to stay with me.
We go out, she's coaching me to breathe as she brings me to a visiting room and in walks this new guy.
What?! He's here?! To see ME?! My bff must've finally gotten ahold of him! I told her to, but I never in a million years would expect him to stick around after this, which would be more than understandable.
I was shocked! Floored! And he asked if I was ok. What happened. If I'm doing better. I told him. Then I told him I was getting better, because I was at that point anyways. But seeing him walk into that room after having such anxiety about it being Eric...something...clicked.
My own husband (soon-to-be-ex, but legally still husband) didn't come to see me. Not even out of care or concern for someone he's been close to for 10 years or as the mother of his children and here this guy is. Someone whom I just met not too long ago and he is here worried about if I'm ok, he cares, and he is supporting me just by showing up.
Anxiety level went down but I was still on edge a little bit because now I feel like a dumbass. He knows everything about this divorce, my issues I have from it, my feelings, and now he knows this...what the Hell, right?! Omg I felt so horrible for him! We visit until visiting hours are over and I feel great until the thought comes, "What if he just came to see if I'm ok, but he's gunna say 'sorry no more dating. I kinda draw the line at crazy woman in the psych ward.'" It's more than understandable, but I like him and want to know him more. I tried to push him away and now that I gave up on pushing him away, I like him and fricken chased him away with a mental breakdown over an ex. STUPID! I just feel bad for the poor guy.
So 2 days later I get called for a visitor and I thought it was my friend or mom. Go into the room and nope...it's my guy! Surprised me!! So I tell him I do feel stupid for all this crap and I was worried I finally scared him off which I would understand. He said it's all ok and I'm getting better and he's not running away.
Second click in my mind...
He. Is. Not. Eric.
I was pushing this guy away in the beginning first because I didn't want to date anybody period. Then I was pushing and testing him to see what would make him finally say "sorry this isn't working out." Then I stopped testing and pushing him but those same guards and boundaries were still up and still holding strong...
I pushed and tested and had my guards up because I was not only trying to protect myself, but also expecting that I was going to get hurt again like how Eric hurt me. I was expecting this new guy to be that.
I can't keep thinking like that, especially if he's sitting here with me while I'm in psych! I need to let go and start anew. I need to drop these guards and walls.
Ya know what...since then, I have. I'm not saying I 100% wholly and completely have trust in this because trust for me is a hard thing to build back up, but my mind has finally made that connection that was never there before.
The connection that has helped me let go.
All because this amazing guy that has blindsighted me by somehow coming into my life, came to visit me and stayed through the worst shit I've ever endured in my lifetime.
He has shocked me with how patient, understanding, caring, and kind he is. I put all my crap on the table right in the beginning and he still went forward with understanding. I told him I'm a blunt, honest, up-front person and I will tell him how it is with me so I can help him understand, but so far he's shown that he does even if I didn't do that. He even asks about how my kids are doing, when at this point of just dating and not being "official," he doesn't need to. I don't expect him to. There's a million other things I can go on and on about with this guy that are all different from what I'm used to...a GOOD different.
But the biggest one that is sticking with me right now is that he came to see me when I was in the worst spot in my life and he stayed! He doesn't judge me for it or hold it over my head or treat me any differently.
Since I got out of the hospital we've seen each other twice and I am feeling something I haven't felt for a long time...