Young Momma Living

Young Momma Living
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Friday, April 11, 2014

I am now a certified medical assistant!

I PASSED!! I totally owned my certification exam!! I wasn't worried about taking it until the day of because I had no sleep and everything that could go wrong went wrong.

I had to travel a little over an hour to take the exam. The guy I've been seeing came with me to keep me company and to give his support. He also quizzed me from opening up my book MA book I had with and asking questions. I told him what I think I need more review on and he helped with that.

I had to arrive early to register. They examined everything I had, wanded me down, and searched my pockets and shoes...yea, it was kinda weird. That process took about a half hour.

The test said I had 3 hours 15 minutes to complete the test. It took me not quite an hour and a half. I was so tired from not getting any sleep that the last 2 portions of the test I had to slowly read or reread the questions because my eyes were so heavy. THAT made me nervous because I wasn't alert.

After the test I had to do a survey, and right after the survey the PASS screen popped up and I was awake now!! I couldn't stop smiling, got teary eyed, then got up and they had to do a process of clocking me out. They printed the PASS screen for me, notarized it, and stamped(embossed) the paper where they notarized it so it can be used legally for when I get my job since I wont get my license for awhile.

Once I got out of the building, I ran...*ahem* "ran" to my car where my guy was waiting and shoved him the paper. He smiled and said "Congrats! I'm proud of you!" He's proud of me and my accomplishments and he hasn't even been on that journey with me. He sure is something else.  :)

We went and had Chinese food before we left then made the trek back home.

I had a lot of texts to reply to, Facebook messages, phone calls. My phone was hoppin that day! Lots of love! :)

I feel on top of the world. After everything I went through, struggled with, fought for, I never lost sight of this. And I didn't let anything stop me. And I did GREAT!

Now to apply for jobs and hopefully soon I will get my big girl job and everything else I've been waiting for will fall into place soon!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Our living arrangements

We have been living with my parents since September. I love and appreciate everything they've done and are doing for us, but I'm more than ready to get our own place. MORE than ready!

My parents live in a small, single- wide trailer. It does have 3 bedrooms but one room is a computer room/store-all. Plus the bedrooms aren't that big either. Quite small.

Since we moved in, I've been sleeping on the couch. Logan and Cameron share a bed in the spare bedroom and Ethan sleeps in the playpen in the living room with me.

Yes.... I've been sleeping on a couch for 7+ months. I sleep like shit, and I'm exhausted all the time.

We don't have dressers so we live out of laundry baskets. There's not much room, so even if we had them, there's no room. We don't have ANY thing else that is ours there. Except the baby's toys. JUST clothes. We don't even have a shred of our own belongings there cuz there's absolutely no room. Don't get me started on privacy. We don't get an ounce of it.

We desperately need our own place because we're going stir crazy. We miss our own space and our own routine. I miss having my own place to pick up because I know what I'm doing! Here, my mom has her own ways and we aren't the same in that aspect at all. I'm such a homebody too, that I love doing my own things around the house. Can't do it here. We're basically home sick in a sense.

What's taking so long to get a place is because housing is taking longer than what I was told. I found a place, so it won't take long to get that lined up, but housing is slow. If I could afford a place on my own on the current income I have, I would've moved out awhile ago. But I know I won't be able to with a minimum wage job with 3 kids on my own. Since I'll be taking my certification exam soon, I'll be able to apply for my big girl job, then I'll easily be making enough money that I won't need housing or ANY sort of assistance. I have a feeling that that will happen before I get the help from housing, which is fine, but we seriously need our own place. And SOON!

I am taking this opportunity though to get ready for my apartment. I have been doing some shopping when I have extra money to buy things for the apartment, like new bedding, new towels and bathroom items, I'll be getting new kitchen items/dishes next. I put away some money for new furniture. I'm literally starting NEW! I don't want anything that was Eric's and mine. The only thing I'm keeping from our life is my bed and bed frame, because that I got on my own with my dad so it legally is mine. Plus I just got it last year and it's a tempurpedic. The bed frame will go eventually too, when I can get a whole new bedroom set. Eric took half of it, which is fine, cuz I don't want it. Kind of need it since I need dressers, but... in due time I will be rid of all "our" stuff and everything will be MINE and I'll be able to say I did it ALL on my own. While I'm on the subject, once I get my car paid off, I'm trading that sucker in too. It's something Eric and I got together. I love my car but I don't want it because of that. Aaannddd it's quickly becoming too small of a vehicle for all my quickly growing boys. So in 2 years, hopefully a little less, I'll be getting a bigger vehicle.

In due time. Everything thus far, as rocky as it has been, has been falling into place. My patience is wearing thin on us getting our own place, but I need to keep my patience. It will happen. In due time.

Monday, April 7, 2014

The BIG day!

At noon on Wednesday, April 9th 2013, I will be taking my certification exam to finally become a certified medical assistant!! One I pass that test, I will FINALLY be able to apply for my big girl job! I can't even apply if I'm not certified! Ugh! But we're getting SO close!

It's in another city about an hour and a half away, so I took the day of work since I have no idea when I'll be back. I have to be there at 11:30am, testing starts at noon, and for the test itself, they give me 3hrs 15min. I should get the results right away before I even leave the building. I'm not too worried about the test. I know my stuff. :)

I'm not allowed anything except a pencil and a single sheet of paper that they provide. I can bring foam ear plugs for silence if need be, which they will inspect. They take away my phone, purse, and anything loose on me. They will inspect me and everything that I have. I can't even bring a bottle of water in. It's no big deal, but it just sounds funny. This is a test, not prison!

I do understand the drastic measures though. There's a lot of cheaters out there and I heard of some stories that I couldnt believe someone thought of some of these things to do to cheat! It takes less work to study than go through this drastic measures.

I'm getting excited! This journey in my life is almost at its end!!!! :)

Friday, April 4, 2014

My 3 sons

With all the crap going on with me and all I felt like sharing with y'all, I haven't updated on the boys in awhile.

LOGAN - He still misses his dad a lot and still asks a lot of questions, but he has been doing fine. He was acting out in school for awhile, but that has gotten better. He still acts out at home, and I can tell by the way he acts out how much he misses his dad. The worse it is, the more he misses his dad. The past 2 times he acted up he even got to the point of saying he's mad at his dad because he doesn't want to see him all the time anymore. He doesn't say anything about why he's acting up until he gets in trouble, then he cries and says he misses his dad, then he gets mad. I tried talking to him about it, but it was useless. So I would just give him his space. He's going to have to bring this up to his dad and see if he can get closure from him because I've done all I can do for him. I've even told Eric a few times before that he needs to talk to his kids about these issues. I don't know if he has, but it wouldn't surprise me if he hasnt. I've even told Eric he needs to call and talk to his children once in awhile, but that never did anything. He's made it clear to me that Eric is first in Eric's life. He claims he put the kids first, but seeing them 1-2 times a month and that's IT, doesn't really show that you're putting your kids first or even showing you care all that much. And Logan is picking up on that. He IS doing better, but when he has his moments, there's starting to be more anger. And that worries me.

Logan had surgery on March 20th to remove his tonsils and adenoids. What got him referred for this procedure was his snoring. He snored worse than a grown man! It started getting to the point where he was a 100% mouth breather at night. He'd wake up with a sore throat most mornings and his morning breath was getting worse and worse. I thought he'd just get his adenoids out, but the doctor asked if he was getting sick a lot more than usual, which he had been... along with everybody else. Apparently his tonsils were enlarged and she decided getting both out was his best option.

He was brave and wasn't scared at all. Recovery was tough and he ended up losing a lot of weight because he wouldn't even eat popsicles for a long time. We basically had to force him to eat and drink because he was so stubborn. He was in a lot of pain, and was scared to eat and drink.

Now he's eating like he normally does. In my eyes he's 100%, but of course he can't get the clean bill of health til his follow up on the 15th.

CAMERON - Cameron is doing well. He is more stubborn than before, which I thought couldn't be possible. He's been acting out a bit too, but nothing like Logan.

Even though Logan is the one that is acting out the most and is outwardly showing his heartache about everything, I feel like Cameron is the one most changed by this. Logan's personality is the same. He is just having bursts of emotion that he can't control from a situation out of his control. Cameron, being a tad younger, I don't think knows how to deal with any emotions or feelings brought on by this. He does still see a counselor as well as Logan, and I make sure I do my part in that department too, but I still don't think he knows how to deal with it. I mean, Cameron is still Cameron, but yet he's not. Some days I can tell more than others and it hurts. It breaks my heart that my baby has changed from something he should have never had to deal with in his life. (Cue tears) He seems almost withdrawn most days. He's always been a laid back, mellow child and he loves his sleep, but lately he just has no spunk. He doesn't have the Cameron spunk I'm used to. I'm hoping and wishing with all my heart that once it gets nicer out and we have more to do, he can pull out of it, but my newly healing heart is aching for my boy. I'm his momma. I'm supposed to protect him and I can't here. I tried. I tried so hard. And I'm still doing everything I can to help heal him, but just like with me, I know it'll take time. Not only do I have to be a bad ass mom, but I'm a "dad" now too. Even though I can and will give my best and then some to be there for every aspect of my children....it won't be enough. Because they do truly love and miss their dad...the dad they know before this shit. And I can never give that to them.

I just hope that this won't change them so much that they'll hurt forever or they'll go down the wrong path.

Despite everything though, both boys are doing amazingly well in school. They are having issues bringing their homework home to do it, or they don't do it, or they do and don't hand it in. The teachers understand they're having a rough year and so far aren't counting that against them because they test them often on what they know and they're above grade level. Both of them. But they stressed to me they need to be responsible and that is part of what homework does is instill responsibility. When I'm home, they do get their work done. It was tough especially during my internship to make sure it got done. It's tough again now because I work evenings and weekends and I got scheduled more hours since I finished my internship. Nobody helps keep on top of them school- wise, so I'm the only reliable one. And it's spotty with my work schedule. I will get them from school but then have to go to work and by the time I get home, they're sleeping. So pray I get my big girl job fast!

ETHAN - TOTAL MOMMA'S BOY!!! He is attached like white on rice. We still live with my parents, so he sees and is with my parents everyday, but he gets pissed if I leave the room no matter who he's with. That's just...Ethan. I don't hold him all the time or do anything that people would say I'm "spoiling" him. It's just that it's been me and only me pretty much from day one.

He's a chunk. I need to update his monthly pictures and get his weight and height again. All I can remember is he's 24lbs at 10 months. Big boy!

He's crawling and creeping along furniture like a pro. He eats SO good! He loves his food! I finally found a sippy he loves. He has 6 teeth and 2 more look like they're coming in. He's full of piss and vinegar, that one! Always full throttle! He knows how to clap but won't with his own hands. He takes other people's hands and claps them for you. He ADORES his brothers and you can see it in his face. His brothers adore him just the same. Logan is still a little mommy, and no he hasn't calmed down from that role at all no matter how hard I try. Haha! It's just his personality. Cameron is still the goofy older brother and it's SO adorable to watch.

As for how Ethan is regarding the divorce...I can't say. Like I said, all he's known is me from day 1. Yes, Eric was there and we were together for his first couple months, but I still did everything myself with him. He's such a happy go lucky baby. It breaks my heart for him because he really doesn't know his dad and doesn't have a bond with him really. It's sad and not fair to him. Especially when he doesn't see his dad as much as Logan and Cameron do.

My heart aches for my babies. They do still struggle and it's not as much as how I'm taking about it here, but I do like to point it out and show that it's still affecting them this far out from the split. I like to share these experiences and be real about it just in case someone freshly going through the same thing happens to stumble across this and I can possibly help in some way, shape, or form. Kids are resilient, yes...but when it comes to the heart, not as much as you think. They will get better with time, but will never fully heal. And I don't know how anybody could feel ok about doing that to them. Making a decision that clearly affects them like that and be ok with it when it breaks my heart every time I see it affect them.

I love my kids to no end. I will move mountains for them. I'm doing the best that I can and will see to it they have the best life possible. I am so proud of them and who they are. They blow my mind everyday. They are the best things that's ever happened to me.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Hitting rock bottom almost took my life, but it also saved it.

I feel like a whole new person. No. I feel like me again. The REAL me. When I started snapping out of it in the hospital and I could feel me again, that was just the door cracked open and some light shining through. I AM HERE! I feel like I'm about 80% back. There's 10% due to the fact that I'm still not living on my own with my boys, with my own space, our own routines... still with my parents, which I appreciate, but I need my own space. Own routines. Own comfort. Otherwise I don't feel like myself. The other 10% is obviously because it will take more time than what it has been to heal.

The amazing thing is, is that I don't feel like I lost myself OR I don't feel like I don't know who I am. I was with Eric for a long time. After that amount of time and what we built together I can see why people would tell me that I will feel lost and that I will feel like I don't know who I am since a life with him is all I've ever known. I also don't feel like I lost myself after going through what I went through. I have told Eric before I left, when I knew it was over but still fought "I'm still here." He didn't believe me. All he seen was his selfish wants, that life got hard and he didn't want to deal with it, and he warped me in his mind into someone that wasn't me and he hated that person. I'm not saying at that time I was how I am now. I know I wasn't. I was stressed, depressed, at wits end, and honestly at that time, lost because I was fighting for something that was over a long time ago and I couldn't be myself even if I wanted to. Because I was SO exhausted and in pain, the real me was trapped. Eric didn't want to help me no matter how hard I was trying to help myself and helping save our marriage. But I was still there and he refused to see it. He said to me he wanted his wife back, that he missed me...I know I got trapped in the hard times but he just thought that I changed for good. I kept telling him, "I have changed. I'm a mother now, but the woman you fell in love with is still here... I'M sill here. There's just a struggle going on."

He also believed that because of this struggle, we weren't meant to be because if it was meant to be it would be easy. Also, if life got hard and I was struggling because of it, then I wasn't happy with him. That he didn't make me happy. No matter how many times I would try and talk to him to see how ridiculous all those accusations were, or how many times I would try and prove to him I love him to no end, he wouldn't accept it. Which made everything in me worse.

I never left. I never changed. Life got hard and during that time, the one person that's supposed to be there for everything in life turned his back and ran instead of fighting with me. That left the real me trapped in an even darker place longer.

Well guess what???

That woman he wanted back. That woman he fell in love with. That woman he missed. Is back. She's not trapped anymore! And I did that on my OWN!

What helped me, which also almost killed me, was hitting rock bottom. I honestly believe that if I didn't fall and crumble and get so bad where I wanted to take my own life, that I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I think I would still be suffering tremendously and be trapped and unable to be myself or even FEEL like myself.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep up the act that I was better. I couldn't keep up the act thinking and going that if I faked my happiness long enough, that eventually I would just get better on my own, without help or anybody knowing my struggles. I just...gave up and let the fall to rock bottom happen.

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom and allow all those broken pieces of yourself to just fall apart. Even the good pieces of yourself. So you can step back and take a good look at all those pieces, touch them, study them, and start working on putting them back where they belong, and putting them back with love and a new light on life.  When you fall apart like that, you don't see any other option on "getting better" except ending your life. Once you hit rock bottom, and you allow yourself to FEEL that rock bottom...once you get that out of your system and allow the help you need, you finally start to see that there is a way to get better. Once you hit rock bottom the only way out is back up, right?

I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like I'm finally myself again. I am not trapped anymore. I still have some healing to do, I can't and won't deny that, but guess what people??

I AM HERE.

I am also happy.

Ya hear that?? I AM HAPPY!!!!!

For real this time. I promise! :)

Thursday, March 27, 2014

I have a long road of recovery... I'm bound to hit a few bumps along the way.

In my last post, I mentioned that I had an emotional crash of sorts after I got released from the hospital. It wasn't near as bad as what I had before, but it still sucked. I know I will still have rough days, I know I will still have rough weeks, this is not an easy thing to overcome by any means, so I'm not expecting to be 100% right away. But yet when I noticed I was crashing again not too long after I got released and feeling ok, I got discouraged. I'm not gunna lie. I wanted to prove to everyone, including myself, that I was above this, even after I was told(and my support system) that I will still have bumps in the road, not to rush getting better, and take as many baby steps as I need. I am stubborn. I am SUCH a stubborn person. I hate feeling weak, even though I logically know that this emotional Hell does NOT mean I'm weak by any means. I hate asking for help, even when I know especially now that I have to... need to. I hate feeling defeated. Not in a competitive way. In an emotional way. I hate feeling like "ok, I got this. If I can survive the shit that put me in the hospital, I can handle anything!" Then a few days later I'm crashing...I felt defeated.

I felt like I was never going to get better. That this will CONSTANTLY be a battle and I was worried and scared I would get sick of these crashes and me literally fighting them to fight for my life that I would just get tired of it and one day I would end my life just to stop the vicious cycle.

What happened during this crash?

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I know most if not all of my triggers, and I didn't have one that time... that I know of. I wasn't obsessively thinking of Eric and all that like I did before, I wasn't thinking of... anything. I was numb. There was nothing...NOTHING there. But once in awhile some pain would come through and I'd cry. I don't know what it was exactly I was crying about, it just hurt and my heart was hurting when it did and I would cry.

I couldn't do anything. I just let the day carry me. I would go to work and that's the extent of my abilities at that time. I couldn't help clean, run errands, or even help my kids with their homework. It was hard to even give Ethan a bath.

It's hard to explain. Unless you've been through it, I can see why anyone would think "what's so hard about getting off your ass and giving your baby a bath that takes 5 minutes?" I get it. I do. That's what's so boggling about a disorder nobody can physically see. It's also boggling to know that something of the mind can be that profound that it physically ails you.

It's not laziness. Please, for those who have someone in their life suffering, never think they're lazy. It doesn't help. There's just something about this dark, oppressing cloud that physically does things to you. It makes you lethargic, it makes your endurance low, it physically makes you feel like you can't move sometimes. Body aches can and do happen. And not just from not doing anything, because when I was putting on my show before my hospitalization, I was still just as active as I normally am, but everything in me ached inside and out.

It was just hard to do anything. I was not motivated at all. I could care less about anything. Nothing affected me in any way. I was just...there... That's it. And this time I couldn't put on the show I had before. I couldn't fake it and I don't know why. Maybe I was just too exhausted from this fight to do it? I don't know. But people noticed. And when people noticed, people became helicopters around me. Always making sure I'm not alone, people constantly saying they're here for me, people watching every move I make basically. It was like everyone around me was walking on egg shells. I honestly can't tell you if it made it worse or if it was comforting. Maybe both in a sense?

Everyone wanted me to talk, because I can't keep my shit in anymore. That's what I did before and obviously that doesn't help. And everyone knows I can't keep to myself like that anymore, so they would try and get me to talk. I couldn't. Not that I was trying to keep it to myself but I didn't know what I needed to talk about. Obviously Eric/divorce stuff, but this time I couldn't say it was that. It probably was, cuz what else is there for me?? But I'd try and open up, I'd try and pick my brain to talk, but nothing. I was numb...there was nothing. And I haven't seen a psychologist yet at this point, so it's not like anybody knew how to pick my brain for me, so getting me to talk was a bust on everybody's end. I didn't talk much at all, actually. Not even casual conversations. I was just there. So basically for about a week, I was being monitored closely by everyone around me until I snapped out of it. I don't know how the Hell that happened either. I literally just woke up one day and I could feel again and it wasn't anything negative. I had my energy back and I was...me.

Today, I'm doing well. Very well. I have had a few revelations that I will share in another blog post. I haven't had those heartbreak pains in what I consider a long time. It's only been a month since I hit my rock bottom. It really hasn't been long at all, but going without heartache pains, for me, it feels like a long time and I'm SO glad for that. I feel like I can breathe since it has been awhile.

Depression is a nasty, highly misunderstood disorder and should not be taken lightly. Those who have never experienced it, should never undermine it. I can't stress this enough because I had someone undermine it in my life before and it does not help at all. It actually made it worse because it made me feel like I was "making a big deal over nothing" and I eventually felt stupid and useless because of this person not understanding. And this was when it wasn't even bad. Now I'm not saying that you have to be fragile about it, but please just be aware.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Side effects from depression & anxiety medication

So I've been on my medications for a month now and I figure I will share side effects that I am experiencing.

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!

Just because I experience these side effects does NOT mean everyone does. Every person is different and experience things, if at all, differently. You could experience zero side effects from one med and I can take the same thing and experience 10 different things.

Just throwin' that out there.

I have 3 diagnoses. 1- Major depressive disorder - single episode - moderate. 2- Adjustment disorder with anxious mood. 3- Anxiety disorder. All relative to the falling apart of my marriage.

I'm on 3 different medications. I won't list the names of these medications because...I just don't want to. One I have to take everyday for the depression. One is an as needed medication for anxiety. If I feel my anxiety level getting high, I can take one of these pills two times a day. I can actually take it more than that but I told my Dr my anxiety isn't AS bad and I don't want to be dependant on it, so I'm not getting much of it. The last one is to help me sleep & I need to take it every night. It's also a mood stabilizer, but it's used to help people with insomnia. Now, I'm not diagnosed with insomnia. Insomnia is a symptom from depression. Normally...I sleep fine, so I'm not a "natural" insomniac. It's just a lovely byproduct from another disorder.

I'll start with the easiest: The one to help me sleep. It was knocking me out fine. The only side effect I got from that one is the drowsiness. I am still able to wake up and function for the baby, but I sleep way better with it. When this med kicks in and I don't go to sleep right away, my body feels like it's made of lead. I feel so heavy when I'm sitting or laying, and I feel like it takes me forever to move. It hasn't been working like it used to, but I don't think it's the med or even my body building a tolerance. I just think my head, filled with all it's thoughts, is making it impossible for my body to shut down when it needs to. With that being said, since I've been discharged, even though I have been feeling ok for the most part, I had a crash. Not bad like what brought me to psych, but I wasn't...in my good spot anymore. I was told these bad days will still happen but I was hoping to prove them wrong. SO... my mind is constantly going going going.

Next med I'll talk about is the one for anxiety. It does cause drowsiness, as do most of these "quick fix" meds for anxiety do. It, of course, is supposed to mellow you out. For me, I wouldn't say it causes drowsiness in me, then again I'm on the lowest dose of it, but I can feel it mellowing me out. When I have anxiety, I feel worked up. My heart is racing, along with my mind. I feel like I'm hyperventilating and about to have a heart attack. It can get so bad where I just want to cry for no reason because my mind and body are so worked up I don't know what else to do but cry. There's no emotion behind the crying, it's just...anxiety. I fidget, pace, my ocd tendencies get worse....honestly when you watch me while I'm plump full of anxiety, I probably look like someone who just took a hit of crack or something. This med surpresses the physical effects of anxiety and mellows me out. I can't say mentally it stops the thought processes I have while anxious, but it's not as severe once it kicks in. I feel like I'm back to the present when I take it. Because anxiety is of the unknown of what hasn't happened yet. I get most of my anxiety now when I think of the next encounter I have to have with Eric. I can't be in the same room with him for more than a few minutes before my heart and whatever is left of my soul starts aching and becomes debilitatingly painful. Unfortunately what coping mechanism I've been having to use to help me get through, is pretending he doesn't exist. And for now, even though it isn't ideal, my doctors agree to it because it is at least helping me get through the worst of my... stuff. Until I can get more stable when it comes to him, then we'll work on a different approach.

Last med is the most important one I need right now, and is for the depression. Everyday I have to take it and everyday since about the 4th day of taking these meds I've had side effects. The two major ones are loss of appetite and nausea. The nausea is normally worse in the evening, but there are days where the mornings are worse or the whole day is just nasty. Some days I do run to the bathroom when it's at its worst because I feel like I will throw up. I have yet to throw up, but I do gag when I cough and I'm super nauseated, and I do have to watch my breathing in order not to throw up. I did mention this to my doctor and he said to wait to see how it is at my next appointment before we switch meds. He doesn't want to jump the gun and switch meds too quick. Other side effects that aren't everyday but have been often are headaches and dry mouth. They're annoyingly noticeable, but not so bad where I can't handle it. The last side effect from this one, that I can gladly say is pretty much done and over with is short term memory loss. That SUCKED! Some people didn't believe me until I showed them the side effect list and hilighted that lil tidbit. I asked my doctor why the Hell is that a side effect because, at the time, to me it was just a random flippin side effect. He said this med is rewiring my brain. My brain, chemically isn't aligned correctly right now and this med is going in and fixing that. And because the chemicals in my brain are getting rewired to go back to what is supposed to be normal, I can experience confusion and minor cases of short term memory loss along with other minor difficulties with thought processes and things like that. It also doesn't help that my mind is currently so preoccupied with so many more thoughts than what I normally have that it can just basically short circuit and shut off for a bit. Of course, not everyone experiences this, like I've said in my disclaimer, but of course I got that one!

So how was that side effect, you ask? SUCKY!! I had to have someone with me at all times "babysitting" me for about a week. Then the second week when it wasn't as bad, I just needed someone with me if I went out of the house to help run my errands. If I was talking to someone, I literally mid-sentence would stop talking because I INSTANTLY forgot what the Hell the conversation was about and forgot what I even just said. If someone was explaining something to me, it took awhile for me to make a connection with it, that is if I even remembered what you just said to me. I easily would get confused. Some people thought my "blondeness" just got worse. No. I think I had a glimpse of what it's like to enter dementia, and let me tell you, it's not fun. I had to take an extra week off of work just because of that side effect from my medication. I was out of work for 3 weeks. 1 week was while I was in the hospital, 1 week was to mentally get back on my feet so I could be ready to go back to work, and an extra week so my brain could function a bit better so I wouldn't unintentionally screw anything up at work.

Now, I don't have any memory issues. THAT is all better. The only trouble I have once in a while is concentration. But I also don't think it's the med at this point... it's just me and my issues.

So far these meds seem to be working for me, except the sleeping one, but I don't necessarily want that upped either because I don't want to be too out of it that I can't take care of Ethan at night.

Actually, during the worst part of my crash I had going on, I was about to call my doctor and say he needed to up all my meds because I truly believed none of them were working at all anymore. I got out of that funk before I did though. Thank goodness. I'll have to blog about that crash another time and what, if anything, brought it on.

To wrap this up, all in all I'm satisfied with my med route to get through this. Even though this nausea part of it honestly sucks, the pros outweigh the cons in my situation. Plus, if I end up losing weight from it, then it's a bonus. Not the best way, but I can afford a few pounds to go away. ;) I do hope that side affect subsides though. I don't like having to rely on meds for anything, but I am glad that something is finally helping me.