Young Momma Living

Young Momma Living
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Saturday, June 13, 2015

A big life decision.

For awhile now, I've been overwhelmed with how shitty our credit is and how much debt we've accumulated in the past 10 years we've been married and what we can do to fix it. HOW can we fix it?

I hate credit scores and ratings. I really do. The past haunts you for life. Instead of seeing your story, they see a number and judge you by that number. 

They don't see a couple that married young with nothing to their name, a one-income family, that struggled and struggled but did the best they could with no help or assitance. 

They don't see that in the first 5 years of our marriage I pretty much got all of Eric's debt paid off, but in the meantime managed to get some debt myself. Since Eric's was floating around longer(stuff I never knew about that accumulated before we were together). I thought his was more important to get rid of first. So we worked hard at that.

They don't see that we, at one point, got good chunks of debt paid off and our credit up to a decent number. A number that didn't require cosigners on anything. A number that was trustworthy. A number that was not the greatest, but it was strong. 

They don't see that we decided to move, drop our income below half of what it was when we got that trustworthy number, and I went to college. With a family who's roof over their head and food in their bellies were more important that paying off medical bills and we maxed out credit cards that ended up in collections.

They don't see the Hell that a family went through for 10 months of separation with the wife/mother ending up in the hospital for a week getting help cuz her heart was so broken she didn't want to live. That hospital stay and psychiatrist and therapist visits there after were not covered by insurance because she didn't have any. A single mom of 3 on a minimum wage job with no help with that.

They don't see how hard those 10 months were and as hard as she tried she couldn't keep up with the debt from before all of that or the mountains of debt accumulated in those 10 months. On a minimum wage job, homeless, with 3 kids and trying to start over by making sure she had furniture and dishes for when she got her own place to live. 

And now, as hard as we try to knock all that debt down, we still can't keep up with it. We pay our monthly bills on time, we pay our vehicle payments on time, my student loans are now on time(separation made me paying that was impossible.) any other bill thrown our way, once we get it, we pay it. But this mountain of debt in the hard as we try...we are getting nowhere. 

So I researched and went place to place asking for help for a debt consolidation loan. I even had a detailed plan of why I asked for that amount, what would we be paying off, we have collateral if we get this help, a consigner if need be, I had a payment plan in place with different interest rates included. I had EVERY detail thought out. I did the job of the loan officers. One person was impressed enough to admit she wouldn't have been as detailed as me. 

I found one place. ONE. That was willing to help but she gave it to me straight. That with the plan that I had, since I knew we couldn't get one big loan-it would be multiple partial ones, that just to take care of our debt right now. It would take at LEAST 10 years if not more to get rid of. Plus we would have to try and keep on top of everything else thrown at us and try and knock down the other chunks of debt at the same time. Because it would still be sitting there in collections reflecting negatively on our credit. It would always be there. And even at the end of those loan installments, since all that would still be lurkin in the background as we're working hard to take care of's not a guarantee that our credit would be any better by the end of it. Sure there's the good standing of paying on these loans on time, but the other stuff lurkin around and following us in those 10+ years would bounce that back. So our efforts wouldn't help our credit score as much as it would help get everything paid off. 

My end goal is not only to get debt free and have a helluva better credit score than what we do now, but we want to own a home. I'm 28, Eric is 31. We've been married 10 years and have yet to purchase a home. That's all we want. We can't because of this. So the lady told us after explaining all our efforts wouldn't be as wonderful as I thought after 10 or more years...we still probably wouldn't be able to purchase a home. After 10+ years of working on this.

My light I thought I seen at the end of the tunnel suddenly went away. I thought we'd never ever be able to own a home now. We're never going to have the American Dream. That's all I've ever wanted out of life. My marriage. Kids. The job of my dreams. And a house to call our home. I have all that...but a home. I am thankful for what I have, I really am. But knowing I'd never be able to own a home...a place where my children can grow up and say that's home. At the end of those 10 years of my original plan, Logan would be grown and moved out! He wouldn't have had a home to grow up in. At. All. It broke my heart. 

So after talking about every option available with this credit/loan officer, and weighing the pros and cons, we decided to file for bankruptcy. With how shitty our credit is and how much debt we have, it's honestly not going to be a hard hit to us. We already need a consigner for everything. Even to get a lease on a place. We have the option to include our vehicles or not. If we do, we can't keep them. We're always on time with those payments anyways so we're obviously keeping them. We are still finishing the paperwork and gathering information for our bankruptcy lawyer to get the ball rolling. It sucks just to have that label on our credit for 7-ish years, but honestly...where we're at is worse than that label.

Once we get the discharge papers we already have a place that said to go there with the papers and they'll immediately start helping us build our credit back up. We could possibly have a score of 600-650 within the same year of filing bankruptcy with their help. And if everything goes smoothly(which it will) we can own a home in 4-5 years. Even with that label still on our credit! 

I can see the light again. I don't feel like we're financially drowning anymore. I know we're capable of keeping up with bills and even if a curveball is thrown we have the income to take care of it...maybe not all at once right away, but something we can actually DO! It's the 1st time in our marriage we can do that and not get overwhelmed. What is overwhelming us now is 10 years of hardships and hard work leading us nowhere.

Bankruptcy is a hit to my pride. But for our situation it's pretty much the only option if we ever want to have good credit again. We're adults and our financial situation now(our income) shouldn't warrant us a need for a consigner with everything in our lives. We are capable of everything an adult with good credit does. I hate the stigma of what bad credit says about a person. I don't like it being there, but if they knew our story of how it all got there...and where we are now. 

Anyways, this is long enough. Enough of my blabbering! Y'all know I like to keep it real and share the real bits of life to show those that stumble across me that life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Life throws curveballs. Some harder than others, and everyday there's someone going through something similar. I just choose to share my journey so others know they're not alone and hopefully take comfort in knowing that there's someone who can relate...and survived this crazy ride called life! :)

Thursday, June 4, 2015

The aftermath of miscarriage.

I have lots to talk about and was going to share some other updates, but for the past few weeks these thoughts have been taking over and I feel like I have to share this first.

Whether it's just to get feedback from others on it and I can feel like I'm not alone in these thoughts OR someone just happens to stumble across my tiny little blog, sees this post after going through the same thing, and can have that sense that they're not alone either. 

I'd be 24 weeks 5 days today. It still floors me. I have dreams of being pregnant, having doctor appointments, ultrasounds, buying gender neutral baby stuff, enjoying every second of what I know would have been my last pregnancy if I wouldn't have miscarried. While I'm still in that asleep stage of sleep but yet waking up, I feel movement. Not just flutters, I feel actual baby rolls. Not strong of course. But when I have those(which aren't all the time) that's what snaps me awake in an instant and it's all gone. 

That's when I come to my senses and remember there's nothing there. There's no bump. There's no movement. There's no baby. Every time my heart just breaks. As I'm writing this this very second I'm crying. Every time I let myself think about it I do. And I've been thinking about it more and more lately.

With that, I can hear my body-and heart-screaming at me. It's deafening sometimes. And very hard to ignore. My baby fever has gone up 1,000% after the initial shock of "we had a miscarriage" wore off. Not only is it baby fever, but it's like I feel like I have to try and get that baby back. 

I know. It's illogical.

I keep feeling I need to get pregnant again to try and get that baby back. And I need to get pregnant again as soon as possible because the sooner I do the sooner I can grasp that little one and say "it's ok. I'm here." The more time that passes I feel that I'm going to miss that chance and won't get that baby back. Even though I know this is completely illogical...that's what my heart of hearts is feeling.

We aren't trying for another baby right now. We have a lot going on we need to take care of first, which I will write about later. I am taking birth control, even though my body hates synthetic hormones. Even though I want to get pregnant so very badly right now, I'm preventing it just as much. Not only because we have a few things to take care of first, but I'm scared. What if I lose another one? I've talked to an OB, and there are plans to take to prevent me from having another preemie, but what about another miscarriage? I was told that there's nothing significant with me that red flags them that I would have multiple losses. That miscarriages are actually more common in healthy couples than you think. And I know all that, but I'm still scared. She said "honestly, you always will be. But if you want another baby, that fear shouldn't prevent you from finishing your family."

I feel like we need to not only take care of some of the things we need to take care of first before trying for another baby, but I need to finish grieving(I don't think I really have been til recently) and hopefully that will get rid of some of the fear I have for when we do get pregnant again. 

So until then, I'll be taking birth control even though my body hates it. I should go back to Natural Family Planning, but as much as my body hates birth control, it does help my satanic periods as well. Lose-lose pretty much.

For now, I will enjoy my happy little family and take care of us, as well as take care of myself, and let my mind and body sort through the loss that's still affecting me. 

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Life after pain.

Eric and I are doing great. Boys are happy, healthy, and growing like weeds. Life is good!

But it wasn't easy getting here and sometimes it's still hard, but I'm finally getting to where I always wanted to be in life. In all honesty, I get pissed every now and then thinking about my life. The road it took to get here. The LONG, HARD, PAINFUL road. It's not fair. I'm forever changed because of the road I had to take. I shouldn't have had to take that road. I shouldn't have to have the issues that I have. I shouldn't have the residual pain I feel from time to time and was told that may never go away...ever. It's not fair. I had enough shit happen to me when I was younger, I should not have had even more painful shit happen to me as an adult. It. Is. Not. Fair. 

But in the other hand I am glad for it(which pisses me off saying that a sense). Because I don't think I would be this happy and complete if it weren't for that road. Still completely unfair and I feel ripped off at times. But then again without it...who knows where I'd be now?

Eric and I are still going to counseling together. I quit going to my individual ones because I felt like I didn't need that service anymore. We are just now getting to the real hard stuff in counseling and the past few times our counselor suggested I should start doing individual sessions again. I may seem (well...I AM) totally happy and full, but bring up past hurts and I'm back in that exact moment. Or things happen in the now that trigger "flashbacks" of past hurts and I change on a dime. I know past hurts need to be discussed and worked through, but it's so much easier and less painful to go through life as if it didn't happen. But there's always something that reminds me "but it did happen..." I haven't gone to individual sessions again yet because I don't feel ready. Not just yet. I will. Just not now.

I can say that my anxiety is at a record low, though! I'm not having daily or almost daily panic attacks. I'm not constantly crying because I'm in so much fear of getting hurt again. I mean, I still have my moments, but I can't remember the last time I had a legit panic attack. It's wonderful!

Other than THAT hard stuff with us, we're doing amazing. There are many days where I wake up and see Eric next to me and wonder if he's really there. If him being there is really real. Or when he falls asleep before me I stay up watching him just sleep for what seems like hours because I want to savor that peaceful moment. I fear for when I wake up I'll wake up to realize it was just a dream and he's gone again.

On mornings where he gets up before me, when I wake up, roll over, and see he's not there, before my mind can fully wake up my heart drops for a split second. I have 2 thoughts: 1-He was never really there and I finally woke up from my dream. 2-He left. Again. That split second my world comes crashing down EVERY TIME. I'm glad that hardly ever happens though. I always wake up before him or with him. It's rare when he has to get up for work and I sleep right through it. I just wonder how long those world crashing split seconds will last?

I also could be right next to him or see him coming from across the room and I'm drinking him in and think over and over "don't blink. Don't blink. Don't blink." Because what if I do and he's really not there?

I crave his voice, his touch, his smell, if I've gone too long without them(mainly when we're both at work). When we text each other(when we're at work), I imagine his voice and facial expressions to give me that fill to hold me over until I can see him. There are days where it's hard to imagine him behind some texts because the way he texts me has changed. A LOT. The way he texts me now is never how he used to. I know it must sound silly to kind of get hung up on the way someone texts you, but it's...if you knew how hard life was for awhile'd know what I'm talking about. 

There are even days I wonder if I've really snapped and gone so crazy that I'm just imagining...hallucinating a life with Eric back in it and he's really not there.

I am happy. But it didn't come without...stuff. I worry that this...stuff...will never go away. I don't want it, but I guess I can also see it as a blessing in a way, because now I savor every moment of my life. Every day. I thought I didn't take things for granted before...boy was I wrong!

Our 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up and as it gets closer I'm starting to realize that I'm having mixed feelings about it. It's on June 18th. June 18th of last year we were separated. Legally married still, but we were not together. We didn't celebrate. I HATED our anniversary last year. All day I felt like my chest was caving in. Nothing or nobody could help the spiral I was in that day. We lost a year. And even though it's our 10 year this year, I keep asking myself "Is it really?!"

We never celebrated it. 

We lost a year. And that hurts. 

We plan on doing our own little vow renewal thing and spend the day together just him and I. Not another single soul. We plan on writing to each other letters. Our own vows only for our eyes to see and ears to hear.

I'm scared to do mine. 

I love to write and I love to express my feelings. We all know this. But I am so lovey dovey with him that I'm worried mine will just sound like a repeat That it won't be special enough. That he won't feel like I didn't put enough effort into it and so he'll feel like I didn't take it seriously or I'm not taking US seriously. 

He means everything and more to me. I just can't describe it or explain it in words or on paper. I've tried. And it never sounds good enough. I sound like a broken record.

I have 3 weeks to write him the most perfect letter/vows. Lord help me. Haha!

Well, that's enough rambly bits for today. I plan on writing a few more soon, since I'm way overdue on blogging and I have lots to share and update!

Stay tuned...

Sunday, February 22, 2015

A letter to baby #4

My dear, sweet little baby,

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't even know about you until it was too late. I think I knew you were there in the back of my mind, like you were trying to tell me "I'm here, mommy." but I ignored the signs. I'm sorry I ignored you. So sorry. 

I'm sorry I won't be able to know who you are. I won't be able to hold you, hug you, kiss you, or watch you while you sleep. I won't be able to hear your laugh, your voice, or know what your hugs and cuddles feel like. I won't be able to plan your birthday parties, help you with your school you grow up. 

And I'm so sorry. 

Would you have daddy's baby blues or my deep browns? Would you look like one of your brothers? Would you look like me?

Could I have saved you if I would have known? I would have stopped taking my birth control. I would have stopped taking my medications for anxiety. I would have done anything for you. To make sure you're safe, growing, and healthy. 

Please forgive me. I am so sorry. I wish there would've been something I could do. I was supposed to protect you and keep you safe and I failed. 

I hope you know you are loved. So very much. I hope you felt it from me even though I didn't know you were nestled within me, cuddling with my womb. Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. And even though your brothers don't know yet, they love you. They would have been so incredibly excited to meet you.

I will never forget you. Even though you were only given to us for a few short weeks, you are still our baby. Our little miracle. We cannot hold you in our arms, but you'll forever be carried in our hearts. 

I hope you know I think you're amazing and I'm proud of you. You've beaten the odds just to make a very short appearance. As much as I wish your stay could've been permanent, I'm lucky to have known you were within me. That I was chosen to carry you for that short time.

I love you. So much. Please know that. I hope you feel that. One day we'll be together again, and I can't wait to know who you are. 

Love, Mommy. 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Anxiety. It's a shame it's so swept under the rug.

I've always had slight anxiety and depression issues since my early teen years. It's what our family sees as normal since it's so wide spread in my bloodline. It's not a surprise when a family member gets diagnosed because it's...just the norm.

I admit even back then I was like "meh" when I got my diagnosis. I took my pills like a good girl and went about my days never thinking twice about it.

But the past few years it's gotten worse. My anxiety goes hand in hand with depression. As it usually does for many other people.

Lately my anxiety has been high. Also, I've been having at least one panic attack a day for about a week now. Why? I don't know. I know I worry and overthink, and midst panic attack that worry and overthinking is multiplied by the hundreds. There's nothing...nothing I can do to stop it during a panic attack. There's usually something, a trigger, that gets me in those funks. Like an anniversary of something, or a memory of something gets brought up, etc. I don't know what did it this time or what's going on that's triggering my anxiety to make me break.

I have to try and function normally in my everyday life while I feel on constant edge. It's always nagging at me in the back of my mind. I'm hyper aware of everything when my anxiety is high. I can't fully concentrate on one thing because I get too distracted. That anxiety nipping at me with every move I make or thought that runs through my head or every sight I see and sound I hear.

I'm suffering. It hurts. It's exhausting. It's stressful. And I don't know how to stop it. I have meds. That doesn't cure it and lately it hasn't been helping my anxiety or my attacks. I'd actually hate to see how I'd be if I weren't taking them.

I can tell you what triggers my attacks. Flashbacks. I don't like using PTSD as a lamens term, but it's the only thing I can relate to in a sense when it comes to this. I randomly get a flashback of the pain I was in last year. A flashback of what caused it. A flashback of certain things that completely From that point on, I can't stop thinking of that pain. And what happened from that pain. What came of it and why. And what if it happens again.

Then all I think about is negativity. Nothing good ever comes from a panic attack. Nothing. I'm not talking anything like hurting myself or anything, but I never think or see anything good while I'm in the middle of this storm. I keep thinking irrationally and that my every fear will come true and I know damn well it will because of this this and this. I can see it happening right in front of me and I'm about to relive my worst nightmare again...losing my my marriage failing. It may not be today or tomorrow. It could be another 10 years from now, but it will happen.

Then I just have to go and hurt some more by being an idiot and thinking of what he was up to while we were separated. I know I'm just torturing myself and causing a ridiculous amount of pain by doing this but I. Can. Not. Help. It. When I'm in that panic mode.

Let me tell you something: when someone is having a panic attack. All logic goes out the window. Every. Single. Bit. Of. It. You all know I'm smart enough to know better. Hell I'm too smart for my own good about these things, but anxiety and panic attacks do not give a shit about your smarts or your logic. You lose that when you have an attack. All you feel is fear, panic, pain. You can't breathe either because you're in so much fear or so much pain, or simply because you're crying so much and so uncontrollably that you can't catch your breath. Everything hurts from your chest to your head to your soul in one of these attacks and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Not yourself not anybody. You feel trapped. You are trapped in this nightmare of fear and panic. You feel like you're never gunna get better and that this feeling will never go away. You feel like you're having a heart attack or you're suffocating and you're about to die.

What helps is to have someone supportive there to be there for you and hold you when it's finally passed, but all logic, like I said, goes out the window. Logic from yourself and others. It doesn't matter.

My attack today, I begged for it to stop. I begged myself to make it stop, I begged to spirits, God, a higher power, make it stop because I couldn't take the pain and panic my mind was giving me. It was especially bad today because I came to the realization that no matter what path I chose...I'd still be like this. If I chose Drew over Eric, I'd still be like this...but empty. I'm full with Eric...and I still have this shit.

Now I know a lot of my problems in general is due to the fact my marriage pretty much fell apart. I'm not oblivious to that. That doesn't mean it's self inflicted. I'm working on it. WE are working on it. But for some mind has a hard time adjusting both negatively and positively to life. Thus the reason I've also been diagnosed with adjustment disorder. 

It's exhausting. Emotionally and physically. I'm trying so hard to work on this. To fix this within myself. I'm doing the best that I can. And there's nothing more...defeating than feeling like this when I am honestly and truly so happy for my life and mine and Eric's life together. Happiest I've been EVER. And this...demon is dragging me down.

I don't like having these disorders. Mental disorders. Depression. Anxiety. Panic attacks. I hate them. I try my damnedest to not have them affect my life. To affect ME. But I struggle. Not everyday, but enough. And it's a shame that people think it's a mind over matter issue. "Just don't worry about it." "Think more positive and it'll get better." You think people like me haven't tried that? It's so hard for those who have not experienced any of this to understand because it's on the inside. Something so complex and so misunderstood. I would love nothing more than to have people be more knowledgeable of this so those that do suffer, like me, can have people there for them understand and be a little more empathetic. 

I've had those close to me get irritated and even angry with me when my anxiety was high and even when I'd be having a panic attack. That kind of response actually puts me in a depressive mood and my depression part of me takes over. And I just end up succumbing to the dark cloud that I feel was created over me.

I don't look for a pity party during these events. I hate that. I just need to know that I have my support there. My people that will help me and hold me through it until I can get this under control. Like I said, I don't like this. I would never choose this. That's why I get so angry when I hear others go through it and they are misunderstood and don't have the proper support.

That is why I share. It was hard to open up about my issues awhile ago and it took a lot to get me to share it publicly, but I'm glad I did. Because if my journey helps even one person...I know I did the right thing.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Life update: So much to be thankful for


I never realized how little I was doing while we were separated. I thought I was busy then!  I mean there were times where life was busy and chaotic,  But for the most part I was withdrawn and not...there. I did nothing for myself or for the boys. I just made sure their basic needs were met and they didn't see me falling apart. That in itself was enough to exhaust me.

But now...I have the zest for life back and want to do things. Not only for my boys but for my family as a whole,  for Eric,  for us...our marriage, and for myself. I'm more in with the present and involved more in life in general. Especially with and for my family.

I'll first touch base on the boys and how they've been. As you all know there were anger issues with them, they acted out a lot, as well as them breaking down a lot because they were so heartbroken. I worried about their transition back into the life of mom and dad being together again because they became attached to Drew. I'm shocked at how the boys became literally overnight once we broke the news to them that mommy and daddy are together again.

All the anger and heartbreak and acting out stopped dead in it's tracks. Literally. It wasn't even a transition. My boys were my boys again literally overnight.

As for them when it came to Drew...that was another worry I had. I worried they would miss him like they missed their dad and I'd have a whole different round of this...thing.

But no.

Of course they were sad when we explained to them that Drew wouldn't be in their lives anymore,  But that was short lived. To this day I still watch them and see if there's anything that points to them missing Drew because I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about him. He was a part of their lives, for a short time, but he played a significant role in helping them through their tough days.

Since then,  there's only been one time Drew was brought up,  And that was by Cameron asking if I remember that he made Drew a trophy for hockey. It wasn't sad,  Just...a random thought he felt needed to be heard. And that was that.

Ethan is still in that young stage where he just glides with life as it is and I don't see any changes in him in either direction regarding any of this. Which I am thankful for.

I still worry about how this will affect the boys when they get older. All in one year they seen their parents split,  their mom be with another man who wanted to be a part of our lives as a family, then their parents get back together pretty much out of the blue and pick up the pieces after that crazy ride.

But all in is good. Great. Wonderful. Amazing. Happy. Complete.

There are times where it's hard. I won't sugar coat that. It's not all easy. I still get flashbacks of the pain I went through and the reason for the pain. I still get angry over what happened. But we're working through it. Together. Eric is there for me 1,000% when I have those moments. I fall-He catches me. Same goes for him.

I will admit there are times I panic slightly. I'm scared. Terrified of getting hurt again. But again...I'm working on it. WE'RE working on it.

What makes everything even better is I finally have my big girl job! It's getting better each and every day. Sucks being the new kid on the block, but I'm getting there. :) It's a job that I love, it doesn't stress me out, and financially helps out a lot!

My dreams have come true.

My boys are happy, Eric is happy, I'm happy. My family is together and complete. There's so much love here. That's all that matters.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Breaking up with my boyfriend to get back together with my husband.

The title sounds awful, doesn't it?

I did feel awful about it. Drew didn't deserve a broken heart.

I had to do it over the phone. I hated that I had to do it over the phone. He was out of town for work for the week and I didn't want the fact that I was back with my husband and keep quiet about it for a few days til he got back on my conscience.

Eric said he'll help me through it. He knew I felt bad, he knew I'd cry, he knew I'd probably be hurt for doing it, but he understood. Drew was there for me in my darkest moments in life. And he treated me and my boys perfectly. He loved us, and it was apparent and obvious to everyone around us. He talked about marriage and honeymoons and more kids and houses and our future together.

I knew I was going to crush his heart and that hurt me because I knew exactly what it felt like. Drew doesn't deserve that. He's too good of a man to have anything like that happen. But I had to. My heart wasn't 100% with him, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard I wanted it to. My heart feels home with Eric and even moreso now that he wants to do whatever it takes to fix things.

So when he called me that evening that Eric and I got back together, I did not want to answer. I hated having to give him this kind of news when just the night before I told him I couldn't wait til the week was over so I can see him again. I told him I needed a hug. The reason I needed the hug was cuz my heart hurt over Eric and I somehow thought having Drew close to me like that would distract those thoughts. He was like my drug to try and keep me grounded.

Eric was still with me when Drew called and he was rubbing my arms, shoulders, back, etc while I was talking to Drew. He kept mouthing "I'm sorry" while I was breaking up with Drew and trying to explain everything the best I can. Eric felt bad about the situation and was apologizing for me having be stuck in the middle of this mess. He told me afterwards that he was so sorry that I had to go through that. He also said couldn't believe that I chose someone who hurt me over someone who helped me.

After I told Drew that I was not getting a divorce and Eric and I were gunna work on things, he was so taken aback he was speechless. I had to keep saying "Drew, talk to me" to get him to say anything and it still wasn't much. Understandably. I told him "I understand if you're angry and end up hating me. If you're not angry now, you will be later and that's ok. You don't deserve this and you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt. And I really didn't want to do this over the phone. I didn't come to this decision lightly. Trust me, it was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life." He said he doesn't hate me and isn't angry. He's just confused and wanted to know if Eric is forcing me to do this. I told him I'm doing it on my own. And when he gets back in town, I'll meet up with him in person and talk to him more about it and he can see the boys. He at least deserves that.

When we met in person he said "you don't have to do this. What if he hurts you again? You probably will get hurt again. He will hurt you again. I will never do that to you! I can and will give you a better life. A life without the pain he's caused you." I just told him "if I do end up getting hurt. Then I'm a dumbass. A fool. Cuz then I lost my husband again AND you. But that would be my karma. My heart is telling me this is the right thing and I'll be ok. As much as I hate doing this to you. I have to. My heart feels at home, Drew."

Then he said goodbye to the boys, and we went our separate ways.

A couple days later I got a letter from Drew with a pile of my stuff from his place that I left there. The letter stated he understands. He said he's not mad and he doesn't hate me. He could never be angry with me or hate me. He said he understands that we can't even be friends and will respect Eric and I by staying away. He hopes that Eric treats me right and how I deserve and I deserve to be treated like a Goddess. He hopes that Eric knows and realizes what he just got back, because me and the boys are perfect and we deserve nothing but the best. He hopes I'm happy and will continue to be happy and hope it works out for us. He only wants me to be happy.

I break his heart and he's still Mr. Perfect. I showed Eric the letter and he finally seen what I've been telling him about Drew. He's kinda perfect.

It's very telling if I bag Mr. Perfect and I'm still not happy.

Eric seen that.

I don't know how Drew is doing today, but I hope he's doing ok. He says I deserve nothing but the best...same goes for him. I'm very thankful I met him and appreciate everything he has done for me and the boys.

It's probably because of him I'm still here.