I'll start off with how my last blog ended:
On the night of July 17th I texted him he needs to stop calling and texting so much because I can't handle it. All the while the pain hurts so much and I'm sobbing uncontrollably, trying not to wake the boys.
I couldn't do this anymore. Like I said before, in order to be able to keep going, I needed to pretend he didn't exist. How could I do that with him constantly making contact with me? As much as it hurt, knowing that my Eric was back, I was happy that he was, then I was hurt even more knowing my Eric wasn't mine any more. My Eric would eventually be someone else's.
Pain. So. Much. Pain.
So as I'm sitting on the floor in my bedroom sobbing uncontrollably, texting him to stop, I'm wondering how in the Hell am I going to make it in life? How am I ever going to get over him? It's been damn near a year and it hasn't gotten easier! I ended up getting angry in an instant and was texting him my last thoughts before I went back to pretending he doesnt exist.
I told him good luck on finding anybody who loves him as much as I did...as I do even now. He will never find anybody that will come close to my love for him. He will never find anybody that knows and understands him the way that I do. He will never find anybody that will stick with him the way that I did. I also told him that (even though I didn't mean for it to be so egotistical) people aren't bred like me anymore. There's nobody as loving, caring, understanding, faithful, and devoted as I am. Women...GIRLS these days just aren't like that. I know his routines and his likes and dislikes like the back of my hand. His routines became my routines. And no girl is gunna get it.
Then he text me that he's sorry I'm having such a hard time.
Sorry? He's never apologized for a single fucking thing since he started going through his shit before I left.
Then he said "you think I don't know that?" In regards to me telling him he'll never find anybody that will love him like I do, etc.
Then he said he still loves me.
Calm. First time in a long time I felt calm. No more crying. No more pain. Just from that one text. "I still love you."
Then he said he basically said he has more to say and wants to say it before he goes to sign the finalization papers the next day or he basically won't be able to live with himself no matter the outcome. He just had to get it out. And in order for that, he needed to call or texting would take forever.
I reluctantly agreed.
So he called. And we talked. For a solid 6 1/2 hours. Plus a couple hours of consistantly texting before that. We stayed up literally all night talking. He wants to get back together and make things work. I was shocked when I was torn on what to do because I thought I would for sure say no to spare what's left of my fragile heart from getting hurt again.
But he's my husband. MY Eric. MY Eric would never do that to me. Whatever Hell Eric went through that changed him has passed. He's back.
He said if I said yes to this he would skip work and travel to come see me in person to talk some more. I told him I'm not saying yes just yet but to see me anyways. I wasn't going to give an answer until I seen him. Seen his body language. His face. His eyes.
So I told the babysitter I was going into work for extra hours and dropped the boys off. By the time I got back to my apartment, Eric was waiting in the parking lot. I didn't look at him or pay attention to him then. I thought I'd lose it so I tried pushing the fact that he was there out of my mind.
We get up to my apartment and I start doing my routine. Take my shoes off, put them in closet, put purse away, I seen a piece of trash and grabbed it to throw it away. This whole time Eric is silent. I said "Well...here is the apartment your mom cosigned for." Then I went to the closet where the garbage is to throw the trash away and start saying "we have swimming pools" and Eric grabbed my arm and pulled me in and hugged me. Tight. Hard. The hug felt like he was hugging me like I died and came back to life. And he was crying. Hard. I've seen him cry. I've been with him many years and seen his family tragedies, but I've never seen or heard him cry like this. Not even close. Ever.
We hugged for a long time and at the same time I'm assessing him. Making sure this is real. Honest. True.
God I missed his smell.
When we were done we went to sit in the living room and he rubbed my shoulders and said "you deserve this. Need this. A lot of this and then some." Then I turned and looked at him for the first time since he got here. He looked like shit. And I told him that. He said he feels like shit. I said "good."
He told me on the phone what he's been going through. How he's been feeling. He's been going through the exact same things I have been going through. For awhile. He's been wanting to get back together since March, but he left me alone cuz I was with someone else. And his own personal Hell has been getting worse since then cuz he couldn't move on either.
I could see it. This was real. Honest. True. His body looked like the weight of his world crashing down on him crippled him. You could see it. His face aged at least 10 years. You could see each stress line etched on his face in detail. He had bags under his eyes and discoloration due to the lack of sleep he's been getting over the months. His eyes themselves. The windows to his soul....I could see pain and torment. He was drenching in it. As glad as I was to know he was going through the same shit as I was. It hurt when I seen that in his eyes. My husband was in pain. And his pain is my pain.
We talked some more and talked about how we're going to do this. He agreed immediately to counseling which made me break down because before I would make appointments for them and he refused. He said he's willing to do anything and everything to make this work and make this right. He said for the first time in a long time he hears life in my voice after talking more about fixing our marriage. He said, "God it feels good to hear life in your voice again. THIS is what keeps ME going. YOU are the only one that makes me feel like me."
So I called him stupid, an idiot, asshole, etc...got it all out. Cried. Bitched at him for everything he's done. He just took it. When I was done, he said "you should hate me. You deserve to hate me." I said "I do deserve to. And yes, I should. But I can't. Do you believe me now that we're soulmates?!! Asshole..." And I kept saying "just cuz I'm taking you back doesn't mean if you fuck up again I'll take you back yet again. I can't survive a 2nd time. I barely survived that 1st time." He kept saying it won't happen again. It can't happen again. He can't live through seeing me in pain any longer and he'll spend the rest of his life making up for it. And he's sorry for having to learn the hard way and making me go through that.
I told him one of the things I have the hardest time with is when I was in psych for a week because I became severely suicidal, that he didn't come see me. Not even out of care or concern for the mother of his children. Someone else(Drew) did! He said he wanted to. Badly. But decided it was better if he didn't. He was scared if he did, I would get worse and he didn't want that.
Truth is....I don't know if I would've gotten worse or not if he did see me. I very well could have gotten worse at that time.
He also understands I still have a TON of issues and my head is kinda...fucked up. He said "it's my turn to be here for you when you were there for me during my worst time. I see that now. And I'm so sorry. Whatever you have...I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here for you. I knew this wasn't going to be easy going back into it. I've thought about it for a long time, hoping that if I brought it up you'd say yes. I knew you'd have a lot to go through. And I'm here."
So...after all that talking, seeing him in person, and more talking. I decided for certain that I was going to get back together with my husband. The day we were supposed to sign the finalization papers for divorce.