Young Momma Living

Young Momma Living
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Sunday, April 3, 2016

Sooo...what's up?

Before I start introducing you to the inner corners of my mind, I want to play catch up as well as share what's been happening since almost a year ago when I last blogged. Also what I hope to do with this of now.

So looking back the last thing I shared was bankruptcy. We're still in process. They won't start the process rolling until we have the lawyer completely paid in full. We've been making slow payments for almost a year now and have about $450 left to pay then we'll be able to get the ball rolling. Since we're so close to getting that paid off, we'll be starting this credit counseling thing soon and I'll be redoing all the paperwork because basically everything has changed since last year when we decided to go this route. It's a LOT of work and I'm honestly not looking forward to doing it,'s what I have to do to start over so we can even further better our family. 

We have moved. We moved about 10-15 miles out of the city we were in to a super tiny little community that makes us feel a little more comfortable. What makes us feel even more comfortable beyond that is we live in the country literally in the middle of nowhere. Aaaaahhhhhh....<3 There's so much privacy and peace and quiet! AND...for the first time in like 6 years, I'm finally 1-out of apartment living and 2-in a house that isn't shared. It's not a regular house, but a mobile home. Which can be pretty cramped with my little family, but it's better than what we've had the past handful of years. 

Since we live so close to the city where my job is, I didn't have to find a different job, I just commute. It takes no more than half an hour to get to work from the time I leave in the morning. About 15min to get into town and another 15min commuting in the town to get to work. Eric, too....we actually moved 10 minutes closer to his job, but he still has to travel about 40 miles to his job. 

The boys just transferred to their new school last week. They were still attending their old school and stuff happened regarding our move(which was in September) and the school system basically forced us to transfer the boys to the school where we live now...and school is almost over. They couldn't even let them just finish their year. I'll actually update on the boys specifically in a whole separate blog. LOTS going on! :)

We have new additions to the family. In the form of fur babies. We adopted 2 dogs: Remy and Molly. We adopted Remy once we moved here in September and we adopted Molly 3 weeks ago. Remy is a redbone coonhound mix and Molly is a shepherd/Great Pyrenees mix. I will tell their stories in a separate blog too. There's lots to say about those 2!

I am a Beachbody coach! I took the plunge and I'm glad I did. I'm so sick of being overweight and out of shape at my age. I'm not even 30 and I'm just worn out all the time and feel sooo...blah. I know what's the GOOD healthy way of eating and learning more and more how to properly fuel my body. I'm working out. I quit drinking pop and cut out sugar. I don't deprive myself. Everything in moderation and balance! I haven't been hard core doing the 21day fix like I did when I first started, but I'm still seeing progress! I'm trying all sorts of shakeology flavors and recipes and it's so fun. I can't wait to see my body a year from now! My chronic headaches and migraines have drastically reduced to almost nonexistent. Almost 18 years of suffering and that is mind blowing to me. I've been on many different medications throughout the years. I've been to chiropractors and doctors. Nothing helped as much as this lifestyle change!!

Well, I think that's it for the catch up. Nothing too exciting other than that. 

Now...what I plan on doing with this blog. I need to find the time to really revamp its looks. It's old and boring and outdated. I don't know anything about making a blog look the way I want it to look. So this may take some time. Bare with me. I will be changing it's name. I called it Youngmomma living because I was a young mom. A teen mom. I still consider myself young. But I just outgrew the name and quite honestly....the name doesn't fit the journey I've shared on here and plan to share in the future. So bare with me on the name change as well. As for the contents I'm planning on sharing: my main focus for the near future is going to be about my mental health roller coaster. Giving the world a real look on the inside of a person suffering, and the thought processes, feelings, emotions, paranoias, fears, irrational thoughts which become irrational believabilities which become real feelings and emotions which tend to trick my mind into being something true. It's messy, confusing, tangled, overwhelming, and can be quite scary. 

You can read about what the signs and symptoms of anxiety/depression are, but until you've experienced'll never understand. And even then, we believe you still don't understand because we feel alone and feel like we're the only ones that every feel that way ever. And every case is different...personalized if you will. My depression is a different brand from Joe's depression down the street. We suffer differently. We can relate, but to understand another's suffering specifically will never happen. I want to kind of be that advocate that can share the day to day struggles and open the door for others to peek in and see the chaos since I keep it in and away from everybody so well. It's not uncommon for people with mental illness to hold it all in and not share because it's scary to share it. I'm an advocate of this subject, but yet I'm scared to speak my own personal journey and battles I face almost daily. I am getting better at sharing little highlights of my journey I've had in the past with suicidal ideations and a hospitalization due to it. But I have never ever shared my journey as I'm living it and as I'm battling it....and that is my goal. To be able to openly share that. To let the outside in to maybe help someone who is going through the same thing. Let them know they're not alone. Or to help open the eyes of someone who has a person in their life struggling and they don't understand it. I've had loved ones say hurtful things to me when I'd be struggling because they don't understand it. You can't just "get over it." And it's not something we do for attention or pity. I actually hate attention and pity especially regarding this. That's another reason it's scary to share! I just want to help. Help people on both sides of the board. 

I won't be blogging just those topics. I plan on sharing day-to-day life as a wife, mother, family, etc. Granted I don't have a very exciting life, it is busy and can be quite entertaining thanks to my 3 sons. I'll also be sharing recipes, meal planning/prep, and my Beachbody/weight loss journey. So there will be lots of various contents tucked in here! I know some people like to have a schedule. Like "Meal Monday's" or "workout Wednesday's" or whatever. I won't. I'll just share it as it comes!

Friday, April 1, 2016

Welcome back?

It's already been 10 months since the last time I blogged?! A lot of changes have gone on since. I slowly started the process of deleting my alias fb account that allowed me to be part of a community I didn't want my "real world" people to know I was a part of. The community of bloggers and vloggers (even though I never did that) and everything from TTC-ers to just the mom community. I shared our journey and our struggles with them. I shared things with those amazing women that a lot of my close friends didn't know about. And a handful of those women felt like my real friends. The ones who know how to support without judgement and most importantly, understood a lot of me that nobody else has. Thing even though I had those ladies...I didn't feel like a part of that community anymore and I was starting to open up about certain things that I didn't mind merging my two worlds. So I slowly closed down my alias fb and added my little village of women to my personal fb.

With that process I was planning on printing out my blog posts to keep as sentimental timelines and memories and closing this down as well. But I haven't gotten that far...obviously. I only shared my blog on my alias fb so nobody, but Eric, knows about this. I don't think more than 3 are even signed up to get my blog updates, but that's not what my blog is for. I don't care if I have a large audience or a single person reading what I publish. 

I initially set up this blog and wanted it to be a way to document my journey and pregnancy with Ethan. And it became something more like a public diary of sorts. A way to share the bumps in the ever so bumpy road I call my life. I need to let out my thoughts every now and then. And it's easier to do in writing. 

Speaking those thoughts, for me, is damn near impossible. Because physically speaking them is terrifying. It's still the same thing. But for some reason writing is so much easier and I can do so for hours on end and not be so anxious or a big mess at the end of it.

That, my friends, brings me to what I'm trying to get at here:

I'm going to start blogging again. I need something. I need an outlet for my racing mind. In the past, this has helped me. A public blog has been my form of therapy of sorts. I know I've deleted a lot of posts and got rid of some "sessions" while going through a few hard things, but now I'm to the point where I want to be as open as I can be.

I'm scared of my issues. They hold me back from living life to the fullest...hold me back from living the life I derserve to experience. I have a lot of mental health problems. A lot. It's a big, nasty roller coaster and I'm riding it blindfolded. I don't know when I'm going to be going up or when I'm going to drop and how far down that drop is. 

I know what I deal with is a taboo subject and isn't talked about enough or even accepted as something as serious and common as heart disease or something. A lot of people get judged for depression, anxiety, or any related mental health issue. Because of that, those that want to reach out are scared to and feel more alone than what their illness makes them feel. 

As I struggle with my own...stuff...I'm also an advocate for others suffering and encourage others to learn about it and be more understanding and be kind always. You'll never know if then person next to you is fighting a battle you cannot see. 

I've shared a few things(not from my blog) on my personal fb about a few of my battles...even about the time I was suicidal. That. Shit. Is. Scary. To share. In the mind of someone with both depression and anxiety, there's extremes on ALL ends of the spectrum of how sharing that stuff can pan out. So far it has been positive. 

I've been stuck in a rut for quite some time lately. Some days it's really really bad, other days I do manage to get out of it but then I fall back in pretty quick. I haven't been able to have a real good extended period of time where I'm out of the rut...and I'm tired. I've had my medications adjusted and been told to go back to therapy and actually go through everything. I haven't talked about any of the hard stuff in therapy. Whether it was individual therapy or marriage counseling. Never touched it. Nope. Didn't go there. It hurts way too damn much and it terrifies the ever living Hell outta me to have to reopen that massive massive wound. I haven't gone back to therapy even though I really should. In the meantime, while I try to build up the courage to go back. I will be here...sharing the mind of a person who's been broken in many aspects of her life and suffers from major depression, anxiety, adjustment disorder, and a possible diagnosis that hasn't been diagnosed yet because I tend to keep things to myself.

I posts won't always be downers. I won't always talk about my mess of a mind. I'm just saying...I'm getting better at sharing a journey nobody ever talks about, and it will be here. 

Welcome back. 

Saturday, June 13, 2015

A big life decision.

For awhile now, I've been overwhelmed with how shitty our credit is and how much debt we've accumulated in the past 10 years we've been married and what we can do to fix it. HOW can we fix it?

I hate credit scores and ratings. I really do. The past haunts you for life. Instead of seeing your story, they see a number and judge you by that number. 

They don't see a couple that married young with nothing to their name, a one-income family, that struggled and struggled but did the best they could with no help or assitance. 

They don't see that in the first 5 years of our marriage I pretty much got all of Eric's debt paid off, but in the meantime managed to get some debt myself. Since Eric's was floating around longer(stuff I never knew about that accumulated before we were together). I thought his was more important to get rid of first. So we worked hard at that.

They don't see that we, at one point, got good chunks of debt paid off and our credit up to a decent number. A number that didn't require cosigners on anything. A number that was trustworthy. A number that was not the greatest, but it was strong. 

They don't see that we decided to move, drop our income below half of what it was when we got that trustworthy number, and I went to college. With a family who's roof over their head and food in their bellies were more important that paying off medical bills and we maxed out credit cards that ended up in collections.

They don't see the Hell that a family went through for 10 months of separation with the wife/mother ending up in the hospital for a week getting help cuz her heart was so broken she didn't want to live. That hospital stay and psychiatrist and therapist visits there after were not covered by insurance because she didn't have any. A single mom of 3 on a minimum wage job with no help with that.

They don't see how hard those 10 months were and as hard as she tried she couldn't keep up with the debt from before all of that or the mountains of debt accumulated in those 10 months. On a minimum wage job, homeless, with 3 kids and trying to start over by making sure she had furniture and dishes for when she got her own place to live. 

And now, as hard as we try to knock all that debt down, we still can't keep up with it. We pay our monthly bills on time, we pay our vehicle payments on time, my student loans are now on time(separation made me paying that was impossible.) any other bill thrown our way, once we get it, we pay it. But this mountain of debt in the hard as we try...we are getting nowhere. 

So I researched and went place to place asking for help for a debt consolidation loan. I even had a detailed plan of why I asked for that amount, what would we be paying off, we have collateral if we get this help, a consigner if need be, I had a payment plan in place with different interest rates included. I had EVERY detail thought out. I did the job of the loan officers. One person was impressed enough to admit she wouldn't have been as detailed as me. 

I found one place. ONE. That was willing to help but she gave it to me straight. That with the plan that I had, since I knew we couldn't get one big loan-it would be multiple partial ones, that just to take care of our debt right now. It would take at LEAST 10 years if not more to get rid of. Plus we would have to try and keep on top of everything else thrown at us and try and knock down the other chunks of debt at the same time. Because it would still be sitting there in collections reflecting negatively on our credit. It would always be there. And even at the end of those loan installments, since all that would still be lurkin in the background as we're working hard to take care of's not a guarantee that our credit would be any better by the end of it. Sure there's the good standing of paying on these loans on time, but the other stuff lurkin around and following us in those 10+ years would bounce that back. So our efforts wouldn't help our credit score as much as it would help get everything paid off. 

My end goal is not only to get debt free and have a helluva better credit score than what we do now, but we want to own a home. I'm 28, Eric is 31. We've been married 10 years and have yet to purchase a home. That's all we want. We can't because of this. So the lady told us after explaining all our efforts wouldn't be as wonderful as I thought after 10 or more years...we still probably wouldn't be able to purchase a home. After 10+ years of working on this.

My light I thought I seen at the end of the tunnel suddenly went away. I thought we'd never ever be able to own a home now. We're never going to have the American Dream. That's all I've ever wanted out of life. My marriage. Kids. The job of my dreams. And a house to call our home. I have all that...but a home. I am thankful for what I have, I really am. But knowing I'd never be able to own a home...a place where my children can grow up and say that's home. At the end of those 10 years of my original plan, Logan would be grown and moved out! He wouldn't have had a home to grow up in. At. All. It broke my heart. 

So after talking about every option available with this credit/loan officer, and weighing the pros and cons, we decided to file for bankruptcy. With how shitty our credit is and how much debt we have, it's honestly not going to be a hard hit to us. We already need a consigner for everything. Even to get a lease on a place. We have the option to include our vehicles or not. If we do, we can't keep them. We're always on time with those payments anyways so we're obviously keeping them. We are still finishing the paperwork and gathering information for our bankruptcy lawyer to get the ball rolling. It sucks just to have that label on our credit for 7-ish years, but honestly...where we're at is worse than that label.

Once we get the discharge papers we already have a place that said to go there with the papers and they'll immediately start helping us build our credit back up. We could possibly have a score of 600-650 within the same year of filing bankruptcy with their help. And if everything goes smoothly(which it will) we can own a home in 4-5 years. Even with that label still on our credit! 

I can see the light again. I don't feel like we're financially drowning anymore. I know we're capable of keeping up with bills and even if a curveball is thrown we have the income to take care of it...maybe not all at once right away, but something we can actually DO! It's the 1st time in our marriage we can do that and not get overwhelmed. What is overwhelming us now is 10 years of hardships and hard work leading us nowhere.

Bankruptcy is a hit to my pride. But for our situation it's pretty much the only option if we ever want to have good credit again. We're adults and our financial situation now(our income) shouldn't warrant us a need for a consigner with everything in our lives. We are capable of everything an adult with good credit does. I hate the stigma of what bad credit says about a person. I don't like it being there, but if they knew our story of how it all got there...and where we are now. 

Anyways, this is long enough. Enough of my blabbering! Y'all know I like to keep it real and share the real bits of life to show those that stumble across me that life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Life throws curveballs. Some harder than others, and everyday there's someone going through something similar. I just choose to share my journey so others know they're not alone and hopefully take comfort in knowing that there's someone who can relate...and survived this crazy ride called life! :)

Thursday, June 4, 2015

The aftermath of miscarriage.

I have lots to talk about and was going to share some other updates, but for the past few weeks these thoughts have been taking over and I feel like I have to share this first.

Whether it's just to get feedback from others on it and I can feel like I'm not alone in these thoughts OR someone just happens to stumble across my tiny little blog, sees this post after going through the same thing, and can have that sense that they're not alone either. 

I'd be 24 weeks 5 days today. It still floors me. I have dreams of being pregnant, having doctor appointments, ultrasounds, buying gender neutral baby stuff, enjoying every second of what I know would have been my last pregnancy if I wouldn't have miscarried. While I'm still in that asleep stage of sleep but yet waking up, I feel movement. Not just flutters, I feel actual baby rolls. Not strong of course. But when I have those(which aren't all the time) that's what snaps me awake in an instant and it's all gone. 

That's when I come to my senses and remember there's nothing there. There's no bump. There's no movement. There's no baby. Every time my heart just breaks. As I'm writing this this very second I'm crying. Every time I let myself think about it I do. And I've been thinking about it more and more lately.

With that, I can hear my body-and heart-screaming at me. It's deafening sometimes. And very hard to ignore. My baby fever has gone up 1,000% after the initial shock of "we had a miscarriage" wore off. Not only is it baby fever, but it's like I feel like I have to try and get that baby back. 

I know. It's illogical.

I keep feeling I need to get pregnant again to try and get that baby back. And I need to get pregnant again as soon as possible because the sooner I do the sooner I can grasp that little one and say "it's ok. I'm here." The more time that passes I feel that I'm going to miss that chance and won't get that baby back. Even though I know this is completely illogical...that's what my heart of hearts is feeling.

We aren't trying for another baby right now. We have a lot going on we need to take care of first, which I will write about later. I am taking birth control, even though my body hates synthetic hormones. Even though I want to get pregnant so very badly right now, I'm preventing it just as much. Not only because we have a few things to take care of first, but I'm scared. What if I lose another one? I've talked to an OB, and there are plans to take to prevent me from having another preemie, but what about another miscarriage? I was told that there's nothing significant with me that red flags them that I would have multiple losses. That miscarriages are actually more common in healthy couples than you think. And I know all that, but I'm still scared. She said "honestly, you always will be. But if you want another baby, that fear shouldn't prevent you from finishing your family."

I feel like we need to not only take care of some of the things we need to take care of first before trying for another baby, but I need to finish grieving(I don't think I really have been til recently) and hopefully that will get rid of some of the fear I have for when we do get pregnant again. 

So until then, I'll be taking birth control even though my body hates it. I should go back to Natural Family Planning, but as much as my body hates birth control, it does help my satanic periods as well. Lose-lose pretty much.

For now, I will enjoy my happy little family and take care of us, as well as take care of myself, and let my mind and body sort through the loss that's still affecting me. 

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Life after pain.

Eric and I are doing great. Boys are happy, healthy, and growing like weeds. Life is good!

But it wasn't easy getting here and sometimes it's still hard, but I'm finally getting to where I always wanted to be in life. In all honesty, I get pissed every now and then thinking about my life. The road it took to get here. The LONG, HARD, PAINFUL road. It's not fair. I'm forever changed because of the road I had to take. I shouldn't have had to take that road. I shouldn't have to have the issues that I have. I shouldn't have the residual pain I feel from time to time and was told that may never go away...ever. It's not fair. I had enough shit happen to me when I was younger, I should not have had even more painful shit happen to me as an adult. It. Is. Not. Fair. 

But in the other hand I am glad for it(which pisses me off saying that a sense). Because I don't think I would be this happy and complete if it weren't for that road. Still completely unfair and I feel ripped off at times. But then again without it...who knows where I'd be now?

Eric and I are still going to counseling together. I quit going to my individual ones because I felt like I didn't need that service anymore. We are just now getting to the real hard stuff in counseling and the past few times our counselor suggested I should start doing individual sessions again. I may seem (well...I AM) totally happy and full, but bring up past hurts and I'm back in that exact moment. Or things happen in the now that trigger "flashbacks" of past hurts and I change on a dime. I know past hurts need to be discussed and worked through, but it's so much easier and less painful to go through life as if it didn't happen. But there's always something that reminds me "but it did happen..." I haven't gone to individual sessions again yet because I don't feel ready. Not just yet. I will. Just not now.

I can say that my anxiety is at a record low, though! I'm not having daily or almost daily panic attacks. I'm not constantly crying because I'm in so much fear of getting hurt again. I mean, I still have my moments, but I can't remember the last time I had a legit panic attack. It's wonderful!

Other than THAT hard stuff with us, we're doing amazing. There are many days where I wake up and see Eric next to me and wonder if he's really there. If him being there is really real. Or when he falls asleep before me I stay up watching him just sleep for what seems like hours because I want to savor that peaceful moment. I fear for when I wake up I'll wake up to realize it was just a dream and he's gone again.

On mornings where he gets up before me, when I wake up, roll over, and see he's not there, before my mind can fully wake up my heart drops for a split second. I have 2 thoughts: 1-He was never really there and I finally woke up from my dream. 2-He left. Again. That split second my world comes crashing down EVERY TIME. I'm glad that hardly ever happens though. I always wake up before him or with him. It's rare when he has to get up for work and I sleep right through it. I just wonder how long those world crashing split seconds will last?

I also could be right next to him or see him coming from across the room and I'm drinking him in and think over and over "don't blink. Don't blink. Don't blink." Because what if I do and he's really not there?

I crave his voice, his touch, his smell, if I've gone too long without them(mainly when we're both at work). When we text each other(when we're at work), I imagine his voice and facial expressions to give me that fill to hold me over until I can see him. There are days where it's hard to imagine him behind some texts because the way he texts me has changed. A LOT. The way he texts me now is never how he used to. I know it must sound silly to kind of get hung up on the way someone texts you, but it's...if you knew how hard life was for awhile'd know what I'm talking about. 

There are even days I wonder if I've really snapped and gone so crazy that I'm just imagining...hallucinating a life with Eric back in it and he's really not there.

I am happy. But it didn't come without...stuff. I worry that this...stuff...will never go away. I don't want it, but I guess I can also see it as a blessing in a way, because now I savor every moment of my life. Every day. I thought I didn't take things for granted before...boy was I wrong!

Our 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up and as it gets closer I'm starting to realize that I'm having mixed feelings about it. It's on June 18th. June 18th of last year we were separated. Legally married still, but we were not together. We didn't celebrate. I HATED our anniversary last year. All day I felt like my chest was caving in. Nothing or nobody could help the spiral I was in that day. We lost a year. And even though it's our 10 year this year, I keep asking myself "Is it really?!"

We never celebrated it. 

We lost a year. And that hurts. 

We plan on doing our own little vow renewal thing and spend the day together just him and I. Not another single soul. We plan on writing to each other letters. Our own vows only for our eyes to see and ears to hear.

I'm scared to do mine. 

I love to write and I love to express my feelings. We all know this. But I am so lovey dovey with him that I'm worried mine will just sound like a repeat That it won't be special enough. That he won't feel like I didn't put enough effort into it and so he'll feel like I didn't take it seriously or I'm not taking US seriously. 

He means everything and more to me. I just can't describe it or explain it in words or on paper. I've tried. And it never sounds good enough. I sound like a broken record.

I have 3 weeks to write him the most perfect letter/vows. Lord help me. Haha!

Well, that's enough rambly bits for today. I plan on writing a few more soon, since I'm way overdue on blogging and I have lots to share and update!

Stay tuned...

Sunday, February 22, 2015

A letter to baby #4

My dear, sweet little baby,

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't even know about you until it was too late. I think I knew you were there in the back of my mind, like you were trying to tell me "I'm here, mommy." but I ignored the signs. I'm sorry I ignored you. So sorry. 

I'm sorry I won't be able to know who you are. I won't be able to hold you, hug you, kiss you, or watch you while you sleep. I won't be able to hear your laugh, your voice, or know what your hugs and cuddles feel like. I won't be able to plan your birthday parties, help you with your school you grow up. 

And I'm so sorry. 

Would you have daddy's baby blues or my deep browns? Would you look like one of your brothers? Would you look like me?

Could I have saved you if I would have known? I would have stopped taking my birth control. I would have stopped taking my medications for anxiety. I would have done anything for you. To make sure you're safe, growing, and healthy. 

Please forgive me. I am so sorry. I wish there would've been something I could do. I was supposed to protect you and keep you safe and I failed. 

I hope you know you are loved. So very much. I hope you felt it from me even though I didn't know you were nestled within me, cuddling with my womb. Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. And even though your brothers don't know yet, they love you. They would have been so incredibly excited to meet you.

I will never forget you. Even though you were only given to us for a few short weeks, you are still our baby. Our little miracle. We cannot hold you in our arms, but you'll forever be carried in our hearts. 

I hope you know I think you're amazing and I'm proud of you. You've beaten the odds just to make a very short appearance. As much as I wish your stay could've been permanent, I'm lucky to have known you were within me. That I was chosen to carry you for that short time.

I love you. So much. Please know that. I hope you feel that. One day we'll be together again, and I can't wait to know who you are. 

Love, Mommy. 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Anxiety. It's a shame it's so swept under the rug.

I've always had slight anxiety and depression issues since my early teen years. It's what our family sees as normal since it's so wide spread in my bloodline. It's not a surprise when a family member gets diagnosed because it's...just the norm.

I admit even back then I was like "meh" when I got my diagnosis. I took my pills like a good girl and went about my days never thinking twice about it.

But the past few years it's gotten worse. My anxiety goes hand in hand with depression. As it usually does for many other people.

Lately my anxiety has been high. Also, I've been having at least one panic attack a day for about a week now. Why? I don't know. I know I worry and overthink, and midst panic attack that worry and overthinking is multiplied by the hundreds. There's nothing...nothing I can do to stop it during a panic attack. There's usually something, a trigger, that gets me in those funks. Like an anniversary of something, or a memory of something gets brought up, etc. I don't know what did it this time or what's going on that's triggering my anxiety to make me break.

I have to try and function normally in my everyday life while I feel on constant edge. It's always nagging at me in the back of my mind. I'm hyper aware of everything when my anxiety is high. I can't fully concentrate on one thing because I get too distracted. That anxiety nipping at me with every move I make or thought that runs through my head or every sight I see and sound I hear.

I'm suffering. It hurts. It's exhausting. It's stressful. And I don't know how to stop it. I have meds. That doesn't cure it and lately it hasn't been helping my anxiety or my attacks. I'd actually hate to see how I'd be if I weren't taking them.

I can tell you what triggers my attacks. Flashbacks. I don't like using PTSD as a lamens term, but it's the only thing I can relate to in a sense when it comes to this. I randomly get a flashback of the pain I was in last year. A flashback of what caused it. A flashback of certain things that completely From that point on, I can't stop thinking of that pain. And what happened from that pain. What came of it and why. And what if it happens again.

Then all I think about is negativity. Nothing good ever comes from a panic attack. Nothing. I'm not talking anything like hurting myself or anything, but I never think or see anything good while I'm in the middle of this storm. I keep thinking irrationally and that my every fear will come true and I know damn well it will because of this this and this. I can see it happening right in front of me and I'm about to relive my worst nightmare again...losing my my marriage failing. It may not be today or tomorrow. It could be another 10 years from now, but it will happen.

Then I just have to go and hurt some more by being an idiot and thinking of what he was up to while we were separated. I know I'm just torturing myself and causing a ridiculous amount of pain by doing this but I. Can. Not. Help. It. When I'm in that panic mode.

Let me tell you something: when someone is having a panic attack. All logic goes out the window. Every. Single. Bit. Of. It. You all know I'm smart enough to know better. Hell I'm too smart for my own good about these things, but anxiety and panic attacks do not give a shit about your smarts or your logic. You lose that when you have an attack. All you feel is fear, panic, pain. You can't breathe either because you're in so much fear or so much pain, or simply because you're crying so much and so uncontrollably that you can't catch your breath. Everything hurts from your chest to your head to your soul in one of these attacks and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Not yourself not anybody. You feel trapped. You are trapped in this nightmare of fear and panic. You feel like you're never gunna get better and that this feeling will never go away. You feel like you're having a heart attack or you're suffocating and you're about to die.

What helps is to have someone supportive there to be there for you and hold you when it's finally passed, but all logic, like I said, goes out the window. Logic from yourself and others. It doesn't matter.

My attack today, I begged for it to stop. I begged myself to make it stop, I begged to spirits, God, a higher power, make it stop because I couldn't take the pain and panic my mind was giving me. It was especially bad today because I came to the realization that no matter what path I chose...I'd still be like this. If I chose Drew over Eric, I'd still be like this...but empty. I'm full with Eric...and I still have this shit.

Now I know a lot of my problems in general is due to the fact my marriage pretty much fell apart. I'm not oblivious to that. That doesn't mean it's self inflicted. I'm working on it. WE are working on it. But for some mind has a hard time adjusting both negatively and positively to life. Thus the reason I've also been diagnosed with adjustment disorder. 

It's exhausting. Emotionally and physically. I'm trying so hard to work on this. To fix this within myself. I'm doing the best that I can. And there's nothing more...defeating than feeling like this when I am honestly and truly so happy for my life and mine and Eric's life together. Happiest I've been EVER. And this...demon is dragging me down.

I don't like having these disorders. Mental disorders. Depression. Anxiety. Panic attacks. I hate them. I try my damnedest to not have them affect my life. To affect ME. But I struggle. Not everyday, but enough. And it's a shame that people think it's a mind over matter issue. "Just don't worry about it." "Think more positive and it'll get better." You think people like me haven't tried that? It's so hard for those who have not experienced any of this to understand because it's on the inside. Something so complex and so misunderstood. I would love nothing more than to have people be more knowledgeable of this so those that do suffer, like me, can have people there for them understand and be a little more empathetic. 

I've had those close to me get irritated and even angry with me when my anxiety was high and even when I'd be having a panic attack. That kind of response actually puts me in a depressive mood and my depression part of me takes over. And I just end up succumbing to the dark cloud that I feel was created over me.

I don't look for a pity party during these events. I hate that. I just need to know that I have my support there. My people that will help me and hold me through it until I can get this under control. Like I said, I don't like this. I would never choose this. That's why I get so angry when I hear others go through it and they are misunderstood and don't have the proper support.

That is why I share. It was hard to open up about my issues awhile ago and it took a lot to get me to share it publicly, but I'm glad I did. Because if my journey helps even one person...I know I did the right thing.