Young Momma Living

Young Momma Living
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Sunday, February 22, 2015

A letter to baby #4

My dear, sweet little baby,

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't even know about you until it was too late. I think I knew you were there in the back of my mind, like you were trying to tell me "I'm here, mommy." but I ignored the signs. I'm sorry I ignored you. So sorry. 

I'm sorry I won't be able to know who you are. I won't be able to hold you, hug you, kiss you, or watch you while you sleep. I won't be able to hear your laugh, your voice, or know what your hugs and cuddles feel like. I won't be able to plan your birthday parties, help you with your school you grow up. 

And I'm so sorry. 

Would you have daddy's baby blues or my deep browns? Would you look like one of your brothers? Would you look like me?

Could I have saved you if I would have known? I would have stopped taking my birth control. I would have stopped taking my medications for anxiety. I would have done anything for you. To make sure you're safe, growing, and healthy. 

Please forgive me. I am so sorry. I wish there would've been something I could do. I was supposed to protect you and keep you safe and I failed. 

I hope you know you are loved. So very much. I hope you felt it from me even though I didn't know you were nestled within me, cuddling with my womb. Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. And even though your brothers don't know yet, they love you. They would have been so incredibly excited to meet you.

I will never forget you. Even though you were only given to us for a few short weeks, you are still our baby. Our little miracle. We cannot hold you in our arms, but you'll forever be carried in our hearts. 

I hope you know I think you're amazing and I'm proud of you. You've beaten the odds just to make a very short appearance. As much as I wish your stay could've been permanent, I'm lucky to have known you were within me. That I was chosen to carry you for that short time.

I love you. So much. Please know that. I hope you feel that. One day we'll be together again, and I can't wait to know who you are. 

Love, Mommy. 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Anxiety. It's a shame it's so swept under the rug.

I've always had slight anxiety and depression issues since my early teen years. It's what our family sees as normal since it's so wide spread in my bloodline. It's not a surprise when a family member gets diagnosed because it's...just the norm.

I admit even back then I was like "meh" when I got my diagnosis. I took my pills like a good girl and went about my days never thinking twice about it.

But the past few years it's gotten worse. My anxiety goes hand in hand with depression. As it usually does for many other people.

Lately my anxiety has been high. Also, I've been having at least one panic attack a day for about a week now. Why? I don't know. I know I worry and overthink, and midst panic attack that worry and overthinking is multiplied by the hundreds. There's nothing...nothing I can do to stop it during a panic attack. There's usually something, a trigger, that gets me in those funks. Like an anniversary of something, or a memory of something gets brought up, etc. I don't know what did it this time or what's going on that's triggering my anxiety to make me break.

I have to try and function normally in my everyday life while I feel on constant edge. It's always nagging at me in the back of my mind. I'm hyper aware of everything when my anxiety is high. I can't fully concentrate on one thing because I get too distracted. That anxiety nipping at me with every move I make or thought that runs through my head or every sight I see and sound I hear.

I'm suffering. It hurts. It's exhausting. It's stressful. And I don't know how to stop it. I have meds. That doesn't cure it and lately it hasn't been helping my anxiety or my attacks. I'd actually hate to see how I'd be if I weren't taking them.

I can tell you what triggers my attacks. Flashbacks. I don't like using PTSD as a lamens term, but it's the only thing I can relate to in a sense when it comes to this. I randomly get a flashback of the pain I was in last year. A flashback of what caused it. A flashback of certain things that completely From that point on, I can't stop thinking of that pain. And what happened from that pain. What came of it and why. And what if it happens again.

Then all I think about is negativity. Nothing good ever comes from a panic attack. Nothing. I'm not talking anything like hurting myself or anything, but I never think or see anything good while I'm in the middle of this storm. I keep thinking irrationally and that my every fear will come true and I know damn well it will because of this this and this. I can see it happening right in front of me and I'm about to relive my worst nightmare again...losing my my marriage failing. It may not be today or tomorrow. It could be another 10 years from now, but it will happen.

Then I just have to go and hurt some more by being an idiot and thinking of what he was up to while we were separated. I know I'm just torturing myself and causing a ridiculous amount of pain by doing this but I. Can. Not. Help. It. When I'm in that panic mode.

Let me tell you something: when someone is having a panic attack. All logic goes out the window. Every. Single. Bit. Of. It. You all know I'm smart enough to know better. Hell I'm too smart for my own good about these things, but anxiety and panic attacks do not give a shit about your smarts or your logic. You lose that when you have an attack. All you feel is fear, panic, pain. You can't breathe either because you're in so much fear or so much pain, or simply because you're crying so much and so uncontrollably that you can't catch your breath. Everything hurts from your chest to your head to your soul in one of these attacks and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Not yourself not anybody. You feel trapped. You are trapped in this nightmare of fear and panic. You feel like you're never gunna get better and that this feeling will never go away. You feel like you're having a heart attack or you're suffocating and you're about to die.

What helps is to have someone supportive there to be there for you and hold you when it's finally passed, but all logic, like I said, goes out the window. Logic from yourself and others. It doesn't matter.

My attack today, I begged for it to stop. I begged myself to make it stop, I begged to spirits, God, a higher power, make it stop because I couldn't take the pain and panic my mind was giving me. It was especially bad today because I came to the realization that no matter what path I chose...I'd still be like this. If I chose Drew over Eric, I'd still be like this...but empty. I'm full with Eric...and I still have this shit.

Now I know a lot of my problems in general is due to the fact my marriage pretty much fell apart. I'm not oblivious to that. That doesn't mean it's self inflicted. I'm working on it. WE are working on it. But for some mind has a hard time adjusting both negatively and positively to life. Thus the reason I've also been diagnosed with adjustment disorder. 

It's exhausting. Emotionally and physically. I'm trying so hard to work on this. To fix this within myself. I'm doing the best that I can. And there's nothing more...defeating than feeling like this when I am honestly and truly so happy for my life and mine and Eric's life together. Happiest I've been EVER. And this...demon is dragging me down.

I don't like having these disorders. Mental disorders. Depression. Anxiety. Panic attacks. I hate them. I try my damnedest to not have them affect my life. To affect ME. But I struggle. Not everyday, but enough. And it's a shame that people think it's a mind over matter issue. "Just don't worry about it." "Think more positive and it'll get better." You think people like me haven't tried that? It's so hard for those who have not experienced any of this to understand because it's on the inside. Something so complex and so misunderstood. I would love nothing more than to have people be more knowledgeable of this so those that do suffer, like me, can have people there for them understand and be a little more empathetic. 

I've had those close to me get irritated and even angry with me when my anxiety was high and even when I'd be having a panic attack. That kind of response actually puts me in a depressive mood and my depression part of me takes over. And I just end up succumbing to the dark cloud that I feel was created over me.

I don't look for a pity party during these events. I hate that. I just need to know that I have my support there. My people that will help me and hold me through it until I can get this under control. Like I said, I don't like this. I would never choose this. That's why I get so angry when I hear others go through it and they are misunderstood and don't have the proper support.

That is why I share. It was hard to open up about my issues awhile ago and it took a lot to get me to share it publicly, but I'm glad I did. Because if my journey helps even one person...I know I did the right thing.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Life update: So much to be thankful for


I never realized how little I was doing while we were separated. I thought I was busy then!  I mean there were times where life was busy and chaotic,  But for the most part I was withdrawn and not...there. I did nothing for myself or for the boys. I just made sure their basic needs were met and they didn't see me falling apart. That in itself was enough to exhaust me.

But now...I have the zest for life back and want to do things. Not only for my boys but for my family as a whole,  for Eric,  for us...our marriage, and for myself. I'm more in with the present and involved more in life in general. Especially with and for my family.

I'll first touch base on the boys and how they've been. As you all know there were anger issues with them, they acted out a lot, as well as them breaking down a lot because they were so heartbroken. I worried about their transition back into the life of mom and dad being together again because they became attached to Drew. I'm shocked at how the boys became literally overnight once we broke the news to them that mommy and daddy are together again.

All the anger and heartbreak and acting out stopped dead in it's tracks. Literally. It wasn't even a transition. My boys were my boys again literally overnight.

As for them when it came to Drew...that was another worry I had. I worried they would miss him like they missed their dad and I'd have a whole different round of this...thing.

But no.

Of course they were sad when we explained to them that Drew wouldn't be in their lives anymore,  But that was short lived. To this day I still watch them and see if there's anything that points to them missing Drew because I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about him. He was a part of their lives, for a short time, but he played a significant role in helping them through their tough days.

Since then,  there's only been one time Drew was brought up,  And that was by Cameron asking if I remember that he made Drew a trophy for hockey. It wasn't sad,  Just...a random thought he felt needed to be heard. And that was that.

Ethan is still in that young stage where he just glides with life as it is and I don't see any changes in him in either direction regarding any of this. Which I am thankful for.

I still worry about how this will affect the boys when they get older. All in one year they seen their parents split,  their mom be with another man who wanted to be a part of our lives as a family, then their parents get back together pretty much out of the blue and pick up the pieces after that crazy ride.

But all in is good. Great. Wonderful. Amazing. Happy. Complete.

There are times where it's hard. I won't sugar coat that. It's not all easy. I still get flashbacks of the pain I went through and the reason for the pain. I still get angry over what happened. But we're working through it. Together. Eric is there for me 1,000% when I have those moments. I fall-He catches me. Same goes for him.

I will admit there are times I panic slightly. I'm scared. Terrified of getting hurt again. But again...I'm working on it. WE'RE working on it.

What makes everything even better is I finally have my big girl job! It's getting better each and every day. Sucks being the new kid on the block, but I'm getting there. :) It's a job that I love, it doesn't stress me out, and financially helps out a lot!

My dreams have come true.

My boys are happy, Eric is happy, I'm happy. My family is together and complete. There's so much love here. That's all that matters.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Breaking up with my boyfriend to get back together with my husband.

The title sounds awful, doesn't it?

I did feel awful about it. Drew didn't deserve a broken heart.

I had to do it over the phone. I hated that I had to do it over the phone. He was out of town for work for the week and I didn't want the fact that I was back with my husband and keep quiet about it for a few days til he got back on my conscience.

Eric said he'll help me through it. He knew I felt bad, he knew I'd cry, he knew I'd probably be hurt for doing it, but he understood. Drew was there for me in my darkest moments in life. And he treated me and my boys perfectly. He loved us, and it was apparent and obvious to everyone around us. He talked about marriage and honeymoons and more kids and houses and our future together.

I knew I was going to crush his heart and that hurt me because I knew exactly what it felt like. Drew doesn't deserve that. He's too good of a man to have anything like that happen. But I had to. My heart wasn't 100% with him, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard I wanted it to. My heart feels home with Eric and even moreso now that he wants to do whatever it takes to fix things.

So when he called me that evening that Eric and I got back together, I did not want to answer. I hated having to give him this kind of news when just the night before I told him I couldn't wait til the week was over so I can see him again. I told him I needed a hug. The reason I needed the hug was cuz my heart hurt over Eric and I somehow thought having Drew close to me like that would distract those thoughts. He was like my drug to try and keep me grounded.

Eric was still with me when Drew called and he was rubbing my arms, shoulders, back, etc while I was talking to Drew. He kept mouthing "I'm sorry" while I was breaking up with Drew and trying to explain everything the best I can. Eric felt bad about the situation and was apologizing for me having be stuck in the middle of this mess. He told me afterwards that he was so sorry that I had to go through that. He also said couldn't believe that I chose someone who hurt me over someone who helped me.

After I told Drew that I was not getting a divorce and Eric and I were gunna work on things, he was so taken aback he was speechless. I had to keep saying "Drew, talk to me" to get him to say anything and it still wasn't much. Understandably. I told him "I understand if you're angry and end up hating me. If you're not angry now, you will be later and that's ok. You don't deserve this and you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt. And I really didn't want to do this over the phone. I didn't come to this decision lightly. Trust me, it was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life." He said he doesn't hate me and isn't angry. He's just confused and wanted to know if Eric is forcing me to do this. I told him I'm doing it on my own. And when he gets back in town, I'll meet up with him in person and talk to him more about it and he can see the boys. He at least deserves that.

When we met in person he said "you don't have to do this. What if he hurts you again? You probably will get hurt again. He will hurt you again. I will never do that to you! I can and will give you a better life. A life without the pain he's caused you." I just told him "if I do end up getting hurt. Then I'm a dumbass. A fool. Cuz then I lost my husband again AND you. But that would be my karma. My heart is telling me this is the right thing and I'll be ok. As much as I hate doing this to you. I have to. My heart feels at home, Drew."

Then he said goodbye to the boys, and we went our separate ways.

A couple days later I got a letter from Drew with a pile of my stuff from his place that I left there. The letter stated he understands. He said he's not mad and he doesn't hate me. He could never be angry with me or hate me. He said he understands that we can't even be friends and will respect Eric and I by staying away. He hopes that Eric treats me right and how I deserve and I deserve to be treated like a Goddess. He hopes that Eric knows and realizes what he just got back, because me and the boys are perfect and we deserve nothing but the best. He hopes I'm happy and will continue to be happy and hope it works out for us. He only wants me to be happy.

I break his heart and he's still Mr. Perfect. I showed Eric the letter and he finally seen what I've been telling him about Drew. He's kinda perfect.

It's very telling if I bag Mr. Perfect and I'm still not happy.

Eric seen that.

I don't know how Drew is doing today, but I hope he's doing ok. He says I deserve nothing but the best...same goes for him. I'm very thankful I met him and appreciate everything he has done for me and the boys.

It's probably because of him I'm still here.

Friday, August 8, 2014

How Eric & I got back together.

I'll start off with how my last blog ended:

On the night of July 17th I texted him he needs to stop calling and texting so much because I can't handle it. All the while the pain hurts so much and I'm sobbing uncontrollably, trying not to wake the boys.

I couldn't do this anymore. Like I said before, in order to be able to keep going, I needed to pretend he didn't exist. How could I do that with him constantly making contact with me? As much as it hurt, knowing that my Eric was back, I was happy that he was, then I was hurt even more knowing my Eric wasn't mine any more. My Eric would eventually be someone else's.

Pain. So. Much. Pain.

So as I'm sitting on the floor in my bedroom sobbing uncontrollably, texting him to stop, I'm wondering how in the Hell am I going to make it in life? How am I ever going to get over him? It's been damn near a year and it hasn't gotten easier! I ended up getting angry in an instant and was texting him my last thoughts before I went back to pretending he doesnt exist.

I told him good luck on finding anybody who loves him as much as I I do even now. He will never find anybody that will come close to my love for him. He will never find anybody that knows and understands him the way that I do. He will never find anybody that will stick with him the way that I did. I also told him that (even though I didn't mean for it to be so egotistical) people aren't bred like me anymore. There's nobody as loving, caring, understanding, faithful, and devoted as I am. Women...GIRLS these days just aren't like that. I know his routines and his likes and dislikes like the back of my hand. His routines became my routines. And no girl is gunna get it.

Then he text me that he's sorry I'm having such a hard time.

Sorry? He's never apologized for a single fucking thing since he started going through his shit before I left.

Then he said "you think I don't know that?" In regards to me telling him he'll never find anybody that will love him like I do, etc.

Then he said he still loves me.

Calm. First time in a long time I felt calm. No more crying. No more pain. Just from that one text. "I still love you."

Then he said he basically said he has more to say and wants to say it before he goes to sign the finalization papers the next day or he basically won't be able to live with himself no matter the outcome. He just had to get it out. And in order for that, he needed to call or texting would take forever.

I reluctantly agreed.

So he called. And we talked. For a solid 6 1/2 hours. Plus a couple hours of consistantly texting before that. We stayed up literally all night talking. He wants to get back together and make things work. I was shocked when I was torn on what to do because I thought I would for sure say no to spare what's left of my fragile heart from getting hurt again.

But he's my husband. MY Eric. MY Eric would never do that to me. Whatever Hell Eric went through that changed him has passed. He's back.

He said if I said yes to this he would skip work and travel to come see me in person to talk some more. I told him I'm not saying yes just yet but to see me anyways. I wasn't going to give an answer until I seen him. Seen his body language. His face. His eyes.

So I told the babysitter I was going into work for extra hours and dropped the boys off. By the time I got back to my apartment, Eric was waiting in the parking lot. I didn't look at him or pay attention to him then. I thought I'd lose it so I tried pushing the fact that he was there out of my mind.

We get up to my apartment and I start doing my routine. Take my shoes off, put them in closet, put purse away, I seen a piece of trash and grabbed it to throw it away. This whole time Eric is silent. I said " is the apartment your mom cosigned for." Then I went to the closet where the garbage is to throw the trash away and start saying "we have swimming pools" and Eric grabbed my arm and pulled me in and hugged me. Tight. Hard. The hug felt like he was hugging me like I died and came back to life. And he was crying. Hard. I've seen him cry. I've been with him many years and seen his family tragedies, but I've never seen or heard him cry like this. Not even close. Ever.

We hugged for a long time and at the same time I'm assessing him. Making sure this is real. Honest. True.

God I missed his smell.

When we were done we went to sit in the living room and he rubbed my shoulders and said "you deserve this. Need this. A lot of this and then some." Then I turned and looked at him for the first time since he got here. He looked like shit. And I told him that. He said he feels like shit. I said "good."

He told me on the phone what he's been going through. How he's been feeling. He's been going through the exact same things I have been going through. For awhile. He's been wanting to get back together since March, but he left me alone cuz I was with someone else. And his own personal Hell has been getting worse since then cuz he couldn't move on either.

I could see it. This was real. Honest. True. His body looked like the weight of his world crashing down on him crippled him. You could see it. His face aged at least 10 years. You could see each stress line etched on his face in detail. He had bags under his eyes and discoloration due to the lack of sleep he's been getting over the months. His eyes themselves. The windows to his soul....I could see pain and torment. He was drenching in it. As glad as I was to know he was going through the same shit as I was. It hurt when I seen that in his eyes. My husband was in pain. And his pain is my pain.

We talked some more and talked about how we're going to do this. He agreed immediately to counseling which made me break down because before I would make appointments for them and he refused. He said he's willing to do anything and everything to make this work and make this right. He said for the first time in a long time he hears life in my voice after talking more about fixing our marriage. He said, "God it feels good to hear life in your voice again. THIS is what keeps ME going. YOU are the only one that makes me feel like me."

So I called him stupid, an idiot, asshole, it all out. Cried. Bitched at him for everything he's done. He just took it. When I was done, he said "you should hate me. You deserve to hate me." I said "I do deserve to. And yes, I should. But I can't. Do you believe me now that we're soulmates?!! Asshole..." And I kept saying "just cuz I'm taking you back doesn't mean if you fuck up again I'll take you back yet again. I can't survive a 2nd time. I barely survived that 1st time." He kept saying it won't happen again. It can't happen again. He can't live through seeing me in pain any longer and he'll spend the rest of his life making up for it. And he's sorry for having to learn the hard way and making me go through that.

I told him one of the things I have the hardest time with is when I was in psych for a week because I became severely suicidal, that he didn't come see me. Not even out of care or concern for the mother of his children. Someone else(Drew) did! He said he wanted to. Badly. But decided it was better if he didn't.  He was scared if he did, I would get worse and he didn't want that.

Truth is....I don't know if I would've gotten worse or not if he did see me. I very well could have gotten worse at that time.

He also understands I still have a TON of issues and my head is kinda...fucked up. He said "it's my turn to be here for you when you were there for me during my worst time. I see that now. And I'm so sorry. Whatever you have...I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here for you. I knew this wasn't going to be easy going back into it. I've thought about it for a long time, hoping that if I brought it up you'd say yes. I knew you'd have a lot to go through. And I'm here."

So...after all that talking, seeing him in person, and more talking. I decided for certain that I was going to get back together with my husband. The day we were supposed to sign the finalization papers for divorce.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Are Y'all Ready for This One??!!

I don't know how to start off with this one so I'll just say it.

1- I broke up with Drew.
2- I'm not getting a divorce.

So yes that means...

3- Eric and I are back together.

This is such a long, complicated story that I'm going to have to do a few blogs about it. This blog will be more about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions leading up to it. I'll do a separate blog on how this came about, another on Drew, and a wrap-up blog on how life is going now...for all of us.

As y'all know, I'm very open and honest about my life. It's an open book. I have nothing to hide. But I was hiding a few things. Well.... not really hiding, more like I was trying to ignore them and convince myself otherwise. And in order to do that I had to talk to others about certain things to make it "real" in order to convince myself.

ANYWAYS...let's get to it.

I never got over Eric. Not even a little bit. Nope. The pain never went away. It was to the point where I could live with it most of the time, but a lot of the time I was struggling. I could never sleep. I had no zest in life. I was faking it until I die. I was doing it in hopes that one day I'd be able to get over Eric and be truly happy with someone else(Drew). Drew did make me happy. That's the thing. I did have good times with him, he did make me genuinely smile and laugh, I did enjoy our time together. It's not that I was faking that, cuz I wasn't. The happiness with him just.....wasn't the same.

As time went on I noticed I was really fighting to stay on track with him. Meaning I was fighting hard to keep my focus on my life with him. I was noticing that I was yearning Eric and our stupid little things. I was missing little things that Eric always did. I was yearning for something Eric to pop out of Drew so I can have that fix...that taste of home. And I tried. I hate to admit it but I tried to get my Eric to come out of Drew. I'd hint to him to do certain things or even flat out tell him. But he either didn't get it or when he did it just disappointed me and made the hole in my heart ache.

But I kept forcing myself to look past all that and try to push those feelings to the side because I needed to move on. I kept replaying the awful last part of our marriage and everything he's said and done and all the nastiness after I left to remind me that I don't want to go back to that. That Drew is better for me.

But I couldn't convince myself. Because I knew better. You guys know what I've dealt with(for the most part) of what happened. It was shitty and it hurt and I went through many variations of Hell and back. Nobody deserves that. I don't deserve that. But as you guys also know, I've always said it wasn't always bad and that what I went through was due to someone that wasn't my husband. I knew better. I knew he was going through something and that is why I stuck with it. All the nastiness and all. Because my husband needed me the most then. But it got to the point where he pushed me out. He didn't want me there for him. And more nastiness came. But I let him know I was still there even months after I left.

Because I knew better.

The past couple of months I've been noticing MY ERIC coming back. It. Killed. Me. It made everything that much worse and made the pain in my heart and soul hurt immeasurably. I absolutely hated seeing and hearing MY Eric and knowing a divorce was going to be finalized just around the corner. In my last blog I talked about anger. I was angry because of this. Angry because the dumbass was over his...shit and he finally came back. JUST like I told him! Like I told everyone!!! If he would've held on, we wouldn't have to be going through a divorce!

I was hurting....bad. During our mediator appointment, the lawyer there even said she's never seen such a sad divorce case in her career. She said she can see and feel our pain and it's a pity. I knew even then that my Eric was back. This was in May.

The pain just kept getting worse. Eric was also starting to text more and was calling over things that could've been texted. His side of it....and I knew right away what he was doing...he wanted to hear my voice. But it wasn't the same. He said I had no life in it and it killed him everytime. He hated seeing me when I'd drop the boys off with him cuz he said he could tell I was empty. I wasn't there anymore. And I kept fading more and more as time went on.

So I clung to Drew as much as I could because even though I yearned for Eric while I was with him, he would still help keep me on track with life. He grounded me. He helped keep me together.

But as the date for the divorce finalization came closer....I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep trying to convince myself. I instead just accepted the fact that I will never be able to love again and I'll always be in constant pain and feel lost because Eric is my one and only true soulmate....and I lost him. Even though he's back to the man we all know...I still lost him. And I was going to lose myself on the day of finalization. I was so terrified of that day because I knew mentally I wouldn't be able to handle it and I knew I had 2 choices. 1- Get committed in psych again or 2- Just finally end it all. Cuz I'm sick of this pain. And knowing it'll NEVER go away....why keep going?

It didn't matter my mood or even my strength for that day. Whenever Eric would call...I'd break down and cry. I couldn't handle hearing MY Eric and knowing the inevitable. This pain is worse than the pain of the pain he's caused me. What he did...I let that go long ago. Because I know the man I fell in love with and married would never do that. I may sound naive, but I wish y'all knew him like I know him. You'd know this too. So what he comparison to this new pain.

Then one day....he called me "hunny" on the phone. As I was crying. Just like he used to. He didn't know he did this. But I lost it. That was solid confirmation on everything I've been thinking/seeing/feeling!

He regrets what he did and is remorseful. He misses me and is regretting divorce. He is now in the same Hell that he caused me...the Hell of pain of losing your soulmate.

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

But even then I was trying to convince myself I wouldn't go back to him. He damn well knows that I'm still here for him...all he had to do was say something. But he never ever I kept trying to convince myself.

On the night of July 17th I texted him he needs to stop calling and texting so much because I can't handle it. All the while the pain hurts so much and I'm sobbing uncontrollably, trying not to wake the boys.

It all started from there...

Monday, June 16, 2014

The rollercoaster I call Life

It's been awhile since I last updated on how life has been, whether it be on here or fb.

For the most part life is good. For the most part.

I'm still living with my parents. I have NO idea when housing will kick in so I can move out. I have found, by this time now, 4 apartments that are 3 bedrooms and fit under their guidelines for me, and now only 1 is available. I can't put a deposit down until I get the ok unless I want to pay it all on my own and let's face job I have now... there's no way. I have a feeling I'll be saying "I have been sleeping on my parent's couch for a year now" by the time I can move out. My back...killing me. My sanity....lets not even go there. We NEED our own space and SOON!! I hate living out of clothes baskets that get disorganized very quickly. I hate not having my own things. I hate not having my own privacy. I hate that I feel I'm holding Ethan back from walking because I don't like having him on the floor here due to all the dog hair. If I had a better paying job, and child support to help, it'd be a lot easier than waiting on housing.

Speaking of job, I'm still where I've been at. No clinic job yet, BUT I have found out why it's taking so long to get one. I don't have my certification card yet, which has a number on there so employers can find me on the AAMA site to know if I'm legit or not. Since I didn't have that on my applications, they tossed it to the side without even LOOKING at my application. I put in the comments sections that I took the certification exam and passed on such and such a date and have documented proof and so forth, but they never even looked at it because at the very top of the application I didn't have my number.

SO I called all these clinics' HR people and chatted with them, they found my number, and I reapplied everywhere again. This process just happened recently so hopefully this time next month I'll have the job I've always wanted or I'll at least be putting my 2 weeks in.

For now, though, I've been able to work more than I have been since I have a good friend that quit her job so she can be my full time babysitter. Still not making enough though, since it is a minimum wage job. Ridiculous.

Emotional status-mixed. I've been doing good for the most part, but I have been feeling that pain again. I'm also angry. Very. Angry. The boys seem to be getting at the eye of their storm right now, especially Logan. Logan has been crying himself to sleep damn near every night. Cameron does sometimes, but not as much. Because they miss their dad. Eric, since he's so smart and sees our daily life now I guess, thinks that it's my fault. That I'm doing or saying something that makes them hurt like this. And apparently they want to be with him more because he actually does things with them when he has them.

They went from seeing you everyday and talking to you everyday to no phone calls and twice a month of seeing you. You are their DAD. What about this is difficult for him to comprehend and feels the need to think that they are kids so they shouldn't still hurt after this long and feel the need to think I'm doing something to them? If roles were reversed and he had them full time, they'd cry for me, no matter how "awesome" he was for them.

I could write an entire separate blog about this crap. I'm doing all that I can for my boys to help them. I may have my issues with Eric, but I NEVER speak negatively about him around the boys. I even encourage them to talk to me about their dad in hopes that it helps them. I do whatever I can but since I'm not their dad and that's what's hurting them... I'll never be able to help them 100%.

Boyfriend: He's still amazing. He's just getting more amazing day by day. He has been helping me on my bad days that I've been having lately. He has even gotten to the point where he can just look at me and can tell something is stressing me out. He noticed it one day as I was getting a text from Eric(something on my face or body language must've changed cuz I never said a thing) and he lowered my phone and grabbed my face and said, "you don't need to stress over that. Just breathe and focus on something else." And kissed my forehead. He's not like Eric at all. He never thinks I shouldn't feel the way I feel on certain days or even in certain moments. He doesn't ever think I'm over reacting or thrive on drama and therefore create my own stress. Eric was like that. Drew understands I'm still fighting a battle. A very justifiable battle. And he's there lending me a helping hand when I need it and helps me refocus on what is more important. I say it that way because on those really bad days, I overthink and think obsessively over and over about things that are already done and nothing can be done about it-unimportant.

He's amazing with my boys. He puts them first, even when they aren't there. He's constantly thinking about them. He already has the mind and heart of a dad. It's quite impressive.

Example: one rainy day we all watched a movie together, he tagged along with us while I went shopping for summer clothes and new shoes for the boys(and what guy wants to tag along shopping??), and I mentioned that we were gunna go home when we were done and it's showers and early bed because everyone was kinda blah that day. Plus I was thinking to end the day on that note because the boys' attitudes and hyperness were getting even on my nerves honestly. I want to EASE him into it, not scare him away. Haha!

But Drew was kinda "sad" and said "does it have to be early bed? We can go back to my place and watch another movie."

Then the very next day when I went over without the boys, he just kept asking what movies they've seen and haven't seen then ordered a ton of movies from Netflix to watch with the boys.

When he calls, he asks what the boys are up to and how they're doing. When we make plans, he brings up ideas for the boys. He asks when they'll be with their dad so if he had an idea, he'll plan it around that.

Not only that, but he's there for them like he is for me, emotionally. Logan broke down in public because he was acting way out of line and all I asked was "what's going on that's making you do these things, baby?" Because I know him. He's never like this unless something is bothering him to the point of acting out in anger or hurt. And he broke down crying saying he misses his dad. Drew was with and I was trying to talk to Logan about it, and Drew stepped in and hugged him and kept telling him "it's ok, buddy." And just held him and let him cry.

This man is not going anywhere. He's gotten the worst I can give him (mental breakdown that landed me in the psych hospital) and he's seen how my kids can have bad days and how it greatly affects their behavior. He has seen me AND my children all have bad days and how hard that can be. And he's handled it all very well. Especially....ESPECIALLY for someone who's not used to kids.

So these days, there's a lot of light at the end of my dark tunnel, but I don't feel out of this tunnel just yet. There's a lot of work that needs to be done with not only myself still, but my children. Plus a lot of the day to day stress that also snowballs into everything will be greatly diminished once I can get my own place and have a job that easily pays more than double start off what I'm making now. That and having child support kick in because the boys are growing FAST, especially Logan. Up to this point he's been in hand me downs from family. That resource has run out because he has grown bigger than that resource. Haha!

To wrap this up, for the most part we're doing fine. We're all still just trying to heal. I got through the worst of my storm, and unfortunately, Logan is just hitting his.

Baby steps.