I am not strong.
Everyday...every single day, once the boys leave with my dad to be dropped off from school and my mom goes to work I lose it. I cry from the time everyone leaves until I can finally pull it together around lunch time when I know my parents will be back for 45 minutes to eat. That's an average of 4 hours. And it HURTS. My whole body hurts from the emotional pain that I'm going through. It's hard to breathe, my stomach hurts because it makes me absolutely sick that someone that I gave my everything to, literally just decided "nope...I don't want this anymore because of my own selfish reasons and I have my own issues that I don't want to fix and I don't want you by my side through this anymore." My head spins because I just can't understand it. I don't understand any of it. I know I'm torturing myself constantly looking at everything the past 10 years, good and bad, my view plus his view, just to try and understand this to see if it'll make it any easier, and I just can't understand it. I don't think I ever will.
And then I go and torture myself even more. I can NOT stand the thought of him being with somebody else in any way. I can NOT stand the thought of him being in a relationship with someone else down the road. He doesn't want any more kids, but in order for that to happen he has to keep it in his pants or get snipped. So...what if he does have a baby with someone else? That thought kills me. Not only for me, but for my boys, because they'll see that they have a new sibling that daddy might have all the time, but why not us?
I know, I know, I'm overthinking EVERYTHING right now and I understand I'm causing myself more pain and that's not fair to me. But I can't help it. I try...I honestly try not to do it, but I don't know how.
When I do start getting over it, and let's say I do get in another relationship. I feel all I'll be doing is comparing this new guy to Eric. Eric and I DID have something special. I have never felt more like myself around somebody other than him. What if I can't find anybody like that again? Also, I'm TERRIFIED of being with somebody again. My heart still belongs to Eric, despite everything, and even through time, a part of me will still always belong to him and I will always love him.
When that day does come...when I'm ready to be with someone again, I know I won't be easy. I have walls that I never had before and all because of Eric. He changed who I am. My personality is still here, but he changed who I am. As much as I still love him, I hate him for that.
I have no trust and don't know how I'll ever get it back with ANYBODY ever again. Not only has the man I put my everything into cheated on me, but since I moved, men have hit on me when I'm out...married men...men in relationships...and they try to hide it. How do I know this? Hunny...you don't ever give me your full name because I will facebook creep you on my phone as I'm talking to you, and it says "Married" or "in a relationship" EVERY time.
Are there ANY faithful men out there??! How am I to know that I won't get hurt again? What if I meet someone and he wants to get married and 10 years down the road he just gives up on wanting to be married, doesn't want to work through hard times, gives up some more, cheats, and is just...done. Like he realized he didn't want to sign up for the same person for the rest of his life? What if I DO find that person, the one that is meant to be for forever, but my guard and my walls are too high that he gets tired of knocking them down and I end up just making him run away?
What if I can't find someone who understands? Someone who understands how broken I am, and that I won't be easy, and that I have serious trust issues now? I'm damaged goods, all thanks to one stupid, unfaithful idot that I thought was going to be my forever. I still, to this day, feel like Eric is my true soulmate.
What if I can't love again?
***I started this a few days ago...since then, things have changed***
I have started a seasonal, part-time job. I really need the money and I needed something that could understand and work around my internship schedule(which will be starting SO SOON). I was in a real bad place the day before Thanksgiving. I was scared to go through Thanksgiving without Eric, and being at my Grandma's with ALL my family there, doing our yearly tradition where Eric is usually involved. My uncles and older male cousins are all overprotective of me, and know I'm hurting, and they always look at me with that look, hug me randomly, and pat/rub me on my back sympathetically. I was scared to have them do that on a holiday where one important person is missing. BUT...I was better on Thanksgiving. It still sucked and it hurt, but I did ok. As ok as I could be.
Let's go back to my job. The place where I work. It's a job...it's not the best of jobs and I quickly learned that I'm out of shape, just by having to be on my feet all day and walking all over putting clothes away from fitting rooms. But it's a paycheck, and it's putting some sort of normalcy back into my life.
Then something happened that I thought would never happen, or at least happen for a looonggg time.
I. Have. A. Crush.
Say what??!! What the hell? Does this really happen to 27-year old women? I thought this only happens with teenagers. A fricken CRUSH?! Does he know? NO! At least I don't think so! It came out of nowhere! I want him to know, but yet I don't. I know I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now, but I don't want him to be a rebounder if ya know what I mean. I'm so confused and conflicted. Haha! I feel so...lost, because I don't know what to do. It's been 10 years since hooking up with somebody, and I'm the one that made that move, but it's different now.
I have to say something...it may be too soon for that kind of stuff, I know that. And I also know that I have to be happy with myself before I'm happy with anybody else. Thing is, I am happy with myself, even through those dark, scary moments. I know I am one HELL of a woman, and I AM a catch. I am unique, caring, loving, faithful, and my personality kicks ass. I may not have the perfect body, but who I am MORE than makes up for it. I love who I am, and realize it's Eric's loss and he will realize that someday. I also realize that I should be single and live just for me and the boys for awhile, which I will. I am. I'm not saying I'm wanting to rush into a relationship with somebody, but yet if it happens, it happens. I'm open right now, but I'm not chasing. I have also been told that maybe I should get back out there, just to see what happens, which I understand, but I won't "put myself out there." I'm not like that.
With that said...I wouldn't mind wanting to get to know this guy a little more. There's just something about him, and I don't even know him. It's funny...the way I reacted when I first seen him was the exact same way I reacted when I seen Eric for the first time. (See...I'm comparing!)
I was sitting at the computer in one of the rooms in the back employee area, doing computer training with headphones on. I faintly hear someone behind me talking so I take the headphones off and turn around, take one look, turn back around because I don't dare look at him any longer and what's going through my mind is "Holy...shit!!!"
Ok, so he's good looking. Still doesn't mean I have a crush on him. What made me realize it's a crush is after the first couple times working with him and seeing how he is. He was even in shopping on his off day, and was trying to help me after he overheard me asking questions over the walkies. THAT shocked the Hell out of me. I literally jumped when I heard his voice all of a sudden right next to me. That was the day where I realized it was an actual crush...when I jumped because it was his voice next to me and I got all flustered, especially when I know he didn't have to try and help me when it was his day off. I'm not saying I felt like he treated me special, I know he would've done it to anybody, but if that's his personality...it's a good trait.
I was told he's single. If he is, I'll be surprised because how can someone like HIM be single?! I'm not going to be forward about it for a couple reasons...I'm scared. Haha! Nervous is more like it. Also because he is one of the managers....yeeeaaaa. So I'm stuck! Don't know what to do, even though I want to get to know him more out of the work environment. So far from what I've seen of him by working with him and hearing what others have to say, he's a great guy!
There's one thing here that is kind of pushing me to maybe persue getting to know him if he's single...and that's because ever since I met him...even before I started crushing on him(omg I sound like a teenager) the pain has slowly gone away. And today is the 3rd day where I have absolutely no pain...no anger...no dark cloud. I have been able to breathe again. I haven't cried a single tear in days. I am excited to move on with my life. I feel happy about the future. I know I'll have walls and be guarded, but now I feel like they won't be as impossible as I thought tthey'd be.
Is this all because I met someone that caught my attention for the 1st time in 10 years or is this a coincidence?!
Don't worry about me being one of thos crazy stalker crushes and I believe he is the sole reason I am better so he must be my 1 true love. Hahaha! NO! I won't be like that and don't believe that at all.
What I'm thinking is: SOMEONE other than ERIC caught my eye. Do you know how SIGNIFICANT that is with me?!! I've been with the same guy for 10 years. I was so devoted and in love with him that I honest to God never noticed any other men around me. If I was getting hit on, I got angry and defensive because I was happy and proud of my love and relationship. Nobody else mattered...not even in looks. And I was still that devoted after it all fell apart. Nobody would be able to catch my eye. Eric was still the sexiest man ever...he was perfect for me...so how could anybody grab my attention like that?
But it happened.
Yes, it's a crush and I would love to get to know him. But if he's taken or not interested....or I just never let him know. Then that's fine.
I'm just shocked and happy that something this significant happened and all the pain is gone and I feel like myself again!
Now if this is just temporary and the pain comes back...I am scared for that. But right now, I'm relishing in this time and glad to have this freedom from torment to be able to be myself again.