I don't know how to start off with this one so I'll just say it.
1- I broke up with Drew.
2- I'm not getting a divorce.
So yes that means...
3- Eric and I are back together.
This is such a long, complicated story that I'm going to have to do a few blogs about it. This blog will be more about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions leading up to it. I'll do a separate blog on how this came about, another on Drew, and a wrap-up blog on how life is going now...for all of us.
As y'all know, I'm very open and honest about my life. It's an open book. I have nothing to hide. But I was hiding a few things. Well.... not really hiding, more like I was trying to ignore them and convince myself otherwise. And in order to do that I had to talk to others about certain things to make it "real" in order to convince myself.
ANYWAYS...let's get to it.
I never got over Eric. Not even a little bit. Nope. The pain never went away. It was to the point where I could live with it most of the time, but a lot of the time I was struggling. I could never sleep. I had no zest in life. I was faking it until I die. I was doing it in hopes that one day I'd be able to get over Eric and be truly happy with someone else(Drew). Drew did make me happy. That's the thing. I did have good times with him, he did make me genuinely smile and laugh, I did enjoy our time together. It's not that I was faking that, cuz I wasn't. The happiness with him just.....wasn't the same.
As time went on I noticed I was really fighting to stay on track with him. Meaning I was fighting hard to keep my focus on my life with him. I was noticing that I was yearning Eric and our stupid little things. I was missing little things that Eric always did. I was yearning for something Eric to pop out of Drew so I can have that fix...that taste of home. And I tried. I hate to admit it but I tried to get my Eric to come out of Drew. I'd hint to him to do certain things or even flat out tell him. But he either didn't get it or when he did it just disappointed me and made the hole in my heart ache.
But I kept forcing myself to look past all that and try to push those feelings to the side because I needed to move on. I kept replaying the awful last part of our marriage and everything he's said and done and all the nastiness after I left to remind me that I don't want to go back to that. That Drew is better for me.
But I couldn't convince myself. Because I knew better. You guys know what I've dealt with(for the most part) of what happened. It was shitty and it hurt and I went through many variations of Hell and back. Nobody deserves that. I don't deserve that. But as you guys also know, I've always said it wasn't always bad and that what I went through was due to someone that wasn't my husband. I knew better. I knew he was going through something and that is why I stuck with it. All the nastiness and all. Because my husband needed me the most then. But it got to the point where he pushed me out. He didn't want me there for him. And more nastiness came. But I let him know I was still there even months after I left.
Because I knew better.
The past couple of months I've been noticing MY ERIC coming back. It. Killed. Me. It made everything that much worse and made the pain in my heart and soul hurt immeasurably. I absolutely hated seeing and hearing MY Eric and knowing a divorce was going to be finalized just around the corner. In my last blog I talked about anger. I was angry because of this. Angry because the dumbass was over his...shit and he finally came back. JUST like I told him! Like I told everyone!!! If he would've held on, we wouldn't have to be going through a divorce!
I was hurting....bad. During our mediator appointment, the lawyer there even said she's never seen such a sad divorce case in her career. She said she can see and feel our pain and it's a pity. I knew even then that my Eric was back. This was in May.
The pain just kept getting worse. Eric was also starting to text more and was calling over things that could've been texted. His side of it....and I knew right away what he was doing...he wanted to hear my voice. But it wasn't the same. He said I had no life in it and it killed him everytime. He hated seeing me when I'd drop the boys off with him cuz he said he could tell I was empty. I wasn't there anymore. And I kept fading more and more as time went on.
So I clung to Drew as much as I could because even though I yearned for Eric while I was with him, he would still help keep me on track with life. He grounded me. He helped keep me together.
But as the date for the divorce finalization came closer....I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep trying to convince myself. I instead just accepted the fact that I will never be able to love again and I'll always be in constant pain and feel lost because Eric is my one and only true soulmate....and I lost him. Even though he's back to the man we all know...I still lost him. And I was going to lose myself on the day of finalization. I was so terrified of that day because I knew mentally I wouldn't be able to handle it and I knew I had 2 choices. 1- Get committed in psych again or 2- Just finally end it all. Cuz I'm sick of this pain. And knowing it'll NEVER go away....why keep going?
It didn't matter my mood or even my strength for that day. Whenever Eric would call...I'd break down and cry. I couldn't handle hearing MY Eric and knowing the inevitable. This pain is worse than the pain of the pain he's caused me. What he did...I let that go long ago. Because I know the man I fell in love with and married would never do that. I may sound naive, but I wish y'all knew him like I know him. You'd know this too. So what he did...no comparison to this new pain.
Then one day....he called me "hunny" on the phone. As I was crying. Just like he used to. He didn't know he did this. But I lost it. That was solid confirmation on everything I've been thinking/seeing/feeling!
He regrets what he did and is remorseful. He misses me and is regretting divorce. He is now in the same Hell that he caused me...the Hell of pain of losing your soulmate.
I knew it. I fucking knew it.
But even then I was trying to convince myself I wouldn't go back to him. He damn well knows that I'm still here for him...all he had to do was say something. But he never ever did....so I kept trying to convince myself.
On the night of July 17th I texted him he needs to stop calling and texting so much because I can't handle it. All the while the pain hurts so much and I'm sobbing uncontrollably, trying not to wake the boys.
It all started from there...