Young Momma Living

Young Momma Living
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Saturday, September 6, 2014

Breaking up with my boyfriend to get back together with my husband.

The title sounds awful, doesn't it?

I did feel awful about it. Drew didn't deserve a broken heart.

I had to do it over the phone. I hated that I had to do it over the phone. He was out of town for work for the week and I didn't want the fact that I was back with my husband and keep quiet about it for a few days til he got back on my conscience.

Eric said he'll help me through it. He knew I felt bad, he knew I'd cry, he knew I'd probably be hurt for doing it, but he understood. Drew was there for me in my darkest moments in life. And he treated me and my boys perfectly. He loved us, and it was apparent and obvious to everyone around us. He talked about marriage and honeymoons and more kids and houses and our future together.

I knew I was going to crush his heart and that hurt me because I knew exactly what it felt like. Drew doesn't deserve that. He's too good of a man to have anything like that happen. But I had to. My heart wasn't 100% with him, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard I wanted it to. My heart feels home with Eric and even moreso now that he wants to do whatever it takes to fix things.

So when he called me that evening that Eric and I got back together, I did not want to answer. I hated having to give him this kind of news when just the night before I told him I couldn't wait til the week was over so I can see him again. I told him I needed a hug. The reason I needed the hug was cuz my heart hurt over Eric and I somehow thought having Drew close to me like that would distract those thoughts. He was like my drug to try and keep me grounded.

Eric was still with me when Drew called and he was rubbing my arms, shoulders, back, etc while I was talking to Drew. He kept mouthing "I'm sorry" while I was breaking up with Drew and trying to explain everything the best I can. Eric felt bad about the situation and was apologizing for me having be stuck in the middle of this mess. He told me afterwards that he was so sorry that I had to go through that. He also said couldn't believe that I chose someone who hurt me over someone who helped me.

After I told Drew that I was not getting a divorce and Eric and I were gunna work on things, he was so taken aback he was speechless. I had to keep saying "Drew, talk to me" to get him to say anything and it still wasn't much. Understandably. I told him "I understand if you're angry and end up hating me. If you're not angry now, you will be later and that's ok. You don't deserve this and you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt. And I really didn't want to do this over the phone. I didn't come to this decision lightly. Trust me, it was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life." He said he doesn't hate me and isn't angry. He's just confused and wanted to know if Eric is forcing me to do this. I told him I'm doing it on my own. And when he gets back in town, I'll meet up with him in person and talk to him more about it and he can see the boys. He at least deserves that.

When we met in person he said "you don't have to do this. What if he hurts you again? You probably will get hurt again. He will hurt you again. I will never do that to you! I can and will give you a better life. A life without the pain he's caused you." I just told him "if I do end up getting hurt. Then I'm a dumbass. A fool. Cuz then I lost my husband again AND you. But that would be my karma. My heart is telling me this is the right thing and I'll be ok. As much as I hate doing this to you. I have to. My heart feels at home, Drew."

Then he said goodbye to the boys, and we went our separate ways.

A couple days later I got a letter from Drew with a pile of my stuff from his place that I left there. The letter stated he understands. He said he's not mad and he doesn't hate me. He could never be angry with me or hate me. He said he understands that we can't even be friends and will respect Eric and I by staying away. He hopes that Eric treats me right and how I deserve and I deserve to be treated like a Goddess. He hopes that Eric knows and realizes what he just got back, because me and the boys are perfect and we deserve nothing but the best. He hopes I'm happy and will continue to be happy and hope it works out for us. He only wants me to be happy.

I break his heart and he's still Mr. Perfect. I showed Eric the letter and he finally seen what I've been telling him about Drew. He's kinda perfect.

It's very telling if I bag Mr. Perfect and I'm still not happy.

Eric seen that.

I don't know how Drew is doing today, but I hope he's doing ok. He says I deserve nothing but the best...same goes for him. I'm very thankful I met him and appreciate everything he has done for me and the boys.

It's probably because of him I'm still here.

Friday, August 8, 2014

How Eric & I got back together.

I'll start off with how my last blog ended:

On the night of July 17th I texted him he needs to stop calling and texting so much because I can't handle it. All the while the pain hurts so much and I'm sobbing uncontrollably, trying not to wake the boys.

I couldn't do this anymore. Like I said before, in order to be able to keep going, I needed to pretend he didn't exist. How could I do that with him constantly making contact with me? As much as it hurt, knowing that my Eric was back, I was happy that he was, then I was hurt even more knowing my Eric wasn't mine any more. My Eric would eventually be someone else's.

Pain. So. Much. Pain.

So as I'm sitting on the floor in my bedroom sobbing uncontrollably, texting him to stop, I'm wondering how in the Hell am I going to make it in life? How am I ever going to get over him? It's been damn near a year and it hasn't gotten easier! I ended up getting angry in an instant and was texting him my last thoughts before I went back to pretending he doesnt exist.

I told him good luck on finding anybody who loves him as much as I did...as I do even now. He will never find anybody that will come close to my love for him. He will never find anybody that knows and understands him the way that I do. He will never find anybody that will stick with him the way that I did. I also told him that (even though I didn't mean for it to be so egotistical) people aren't bred like me anymore. There's nobody as loving, caring, understanding, faithful, and devoted as I am. Women...GIRLS these days just aren't like that. I know his routines and his likes and dislikes like the back of my hand. His routines became my routines. And no girl is gunna get it.

Then he text me that he's sorry I'm having such a hard time.

Sorry? He's never apologized for a single fucking thing since he started going through his shit before I left.

Then he said "you think I don't know that?" In regards to me telling him he'll never find anybody that will love him like I do, etc.

Then he said he still loves me.

Calm. First time in a long time I felt calm. No more crying. No more pain. Just from that one text. "I still love you."

Then he said he basically said he has more to say and wants to say it before he goes to sign the finalization papers the next day or he basically won't be able to live with himself no matter the outcome. He just had to get it out. And in order for that, he needed to call or texting would take forever.

I reluctantly agreed.

So he called. And we talked. For a solid 6 1/2 hours. Plus a couple hours of consistantly texting before that. We stayed up literally all night talking. He wants to get back together and make things work. I was shocked when I was torn on what to do because I thought I would for sure say no to spare what's left of my fragile heart from getting hurt again.

But he's my husband. MY Eric. MY Eric would never do that to me. Whatever Hell Eric went through that changed him has passed. He's back.

He said if I said yes to this he would skip work and travel to come see me in person to talk some more. I told him I'm not saying yes just yet but to see me anyways. I wasn't going to give an answer until I seen him. Seen his body language. His face. His eyes.

So I told the babysitter I was going into work for extra hours and dropped the boys off. By the time I got back to my apartment, Eric was waiting in the parking lot. I didn't look at him or pay attention to him then. I thought I'd lose it so I tried pushing the fact that he was there out of my mind.

We get up to my apartment and I start doing my routine. Take my shoes off, put them in closet, put purse away, I seen a piece of trash and grabbed it to throw it away. This whole time Eric is silent. I said "Well...here is the apartment your mom cosigned for." Then I went to the closet where the garbage is to throw the trash away and start saying "we have swimming pools" and Eric grabbed my arm and pulled me in and hugged me. Tight. Hard. The hug felt like he was hugging me like I died and came back to life. And he was crying. Hard. I've seen him cry. I've been with him many years and seen his family tragedies, but I've never seen or heard him cry like this. Not even close. Ever.

We hugged for a long time and at the same time I'm assessing him. Making sure this is real. Honest. True.

God I missed his smell.

When we were done we went to sit in the living room and he rubbed my shoulders and said "you deserve this. Need this. A lot of this and then some." Then I turned and looked at him for the first time since he got here. He looked like shit. And I told him that. He said he feels like shit. I said "good."

He told me on the phone what he's been going through. How he's been feeling. He's been going through the exact same things I have been going through. For awhile. He's been wanting to get back together since March, but he left me alone cuz I was with someone else. And his own personal Hell has been getting worse since then cuz he couldn't move on either.

I could see it. This was real. Honest. True. His body looked like the weight of his world crashing down on him crippled him. You could see it. His face aged at least 10 years. You could see each stress line etched on his face in detail. He had bags under his eyes and discoloration due to the lack of sleep he's been getting over the months. His eyes themselves. The windows to his soul....I could see pain and torment. He was drenching in it. As glad as I was to know he was going through the same shit as I was. It hurt when I seen that in his eyes. My husband was in pain. And his pain is my pain.

We talked some more and talked about how we're going to do this. He agreed immediately to counseling which made me break down because before I would make appointments for them and he refused. He said he's willing to do anything and everything to make this work and make this right. He said for the first time in a long time he hears life in my voice after talking more about fixing our marriage. He said, "God it feels good to hear life in your voice again. THIS is what keeps ME going. YOU are the only one that makes me feel like me."

So I called him stupid, an idiot, asshole, etc...got it all out. Cried. Bitched at him for everything he's done. He just took it. When I was done, he said "you should hate me. You deserve to hate me." I said "I do deserve to. And yes, I should. But I can't. Do you believe me now that we're soulmates?!! Asshole..." And I kept saying "just cuz I'm taking you back doesn't mean if you fuck up again I'll take you back yet again. I can't survive a 2nd time. I barely survived that 1st time." He kept saying it won't happen again. It can't happen again. He can't live through seeing me in pain any longer and he'll spend the rest of his life making up for it. And he's sorry for having to learn the hard way and making me go through that.

I told him one of the things I have the hardest time with is when I was in psych for a week because I became severely suicidal, that he didn't come see me. Not even out of care or concern for the mother of his children. Someone else(Drew) did! He said he wanted to. Badly. But decided it was better if he didn't.  He was scared if he did, I would get worse and he didn't want that.

Truth is....I don't know if I would've gotten worse or not if he did see me. I very well could have gotten worse at that time.

He also understands I still have a TON of issues and my head is kinda...fucked up. He said "it's my turn to be here for you when you were there for me during my worst time. I see that now. And I'm so sorry. Whatever you have...I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here for you. I knew this wasn't going to be easy going back into it. I've thought about it for a long time, hoping that if I brought it up you'd say yes. I knew you'd have a lot to go through. And I'm here."

So...after all that talking, seeing him in person, and more talking. I decided for certain that I was going to get back together with my husband. The day we were supposed to sign the finalization papers for divorce.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Are Y'all Ready for This One??!!

I don't know how to start off with this one so I'll just say it.

1- I broke up with Drew.
2- I'm not getting a divorce.

So yes that means...

3- Eric and I are back together.

This is such a long, complicated story that I'm going to have to do a few blogs about it. This blog will be more about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions leading up to it. I'll do a separate blog on how this came about, another on Drew, and a wrap-up blog on how life is going now...for all of us.

As y'all know, I'm very open and honest about my life. It's an open book. I have nothing to hide. But I was hiding a few things. Well.... not really hiding, more like I was trying to ignore them and convince myself otherwise. And in order to do that I had to talk to others about certain things to make it "real" in order to convince myself.

ANYWAYS...let's get to it.

I never got over Eric. Not even a little bit. Nope. The pain never went away. It was to the point where I could live with it most of the time, but a lot of the time I was struggling. I could never sleep. I had no zest in life. I was faking it until I die. I was doing it in hopes that one day I'd be able to get over Eric and be truly happy with someone else(Drew). Drew did make me happy. That's the thing. I did have good times with him, he did make me genuinely smile and laugh, I did enjoy our time together. It's not that I was faking that, cuz I wasn't. The happiness with him just.....wasn't the same.

As time went on I noticed I was really fighting to stay on track with him. Meaning I was fighting hard to keep my focus on my life with him. I was noticing that I was yearning Eric and our stupid little things. I was missing little things that Eric always did. I was yearning for something Eric to pop out of Drew so I can have that fix...that taste of home. And I tried. I hate to admit it but I tried to get my Eric to come out of Drew. I'd hint to him to do certain things or even flat out tell him. But he either didn't get it or when he did it just disappointed me and made the hole in my heart ache.

But I kept forcing myself to look past all that and try to push those feelings to the side because I needed to move on. I kept replaying the awful last part of our marriage and everything he's said and done and all the nastiness after I left to remind me that I don't want to go back to that. That Drew is better for me.

But I couldn't convince myself. Because I knew better. You guys know what I've dealt with(for the most part) of what happened. It was shitty and it hurt and I went through many variations of Hell and back. Nobody deserves that. I don't deserve that. But as you guys also know, I've always said it wasn't always bad and that what I went through was due to someone that wasn't my husband. I knew better. I knew he was going through something and that is why I stuck with it. All the nastiness and all. Because my husband needed me the most then. But it got to the point where he pushed me out. He didn't want me there for him. And more nastiness came. But I let him know I was still there even months after I left.

Because I knew better.

The past couple of months I've been noticing MY ERIC coming back. It. Killed. Me. It made everything that much worse and made the pain in my heart and soul hurt immeasurably. I absolutely hated seeing and hearing MY Eric and knowing a divorce was going to be finalized just around the corner. In my last blog I talked about anger. I was angry because of this. Angry because the dumbass was over his...shit and he finally came back. JUST like I told him! Like I told everyone!!! If he would've held on, we wouldn't have to be going through a divorce!

I was hurting....bad. During our mediator appointment, the lawyer there even said she's never seen such a sad divorce case in her career. She said she can see and feel our pain and it's a pity. I knew even then that my Eric was back. This was in May.

The pain just kept getting worse. Eric was also starting to text more and was calling over things that could've been texted. His side of it....and I knew right away what he was doing...he wanted to hear my voice. But it wasn't the same. He said I had no life in it and it killed him everytime. He hated seeing me when I'd drop the boys off with him cuz he said he could tell I was empty. I wasn't there anymore. And I kept fading more and more as time went on.

So I clung to Drew as much as I could because even though I yearned for Eric while I was with him, he would still help keep me on track with life. He grounded me. He helped keep me together.

But as the date for the divorce finalization came closer....I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep trying to convince myself. I instead just accepted the fact that I will never be able to love again and I'll always be in constant pain and feel lost because Eric is my one and only true soulmate....and I lost him. Even though he's back to the man we all know...I still lost him. And I was going to lose myself on the day of finalization. I was so terrified of that day because I knew mentally I wouldn't be able to handle it and I knew I had 2 choices. 1- Get committed in psych again or 2- Just finally end it all. Cuz I'm sick of this pain. And knowing it'll NEVER go away....why keep going?

It didn't matter my mood or even my strength for that day. Whenever Eric would call...I'd break down and cry. I couldn't handle hearing MY Eric and knowing the inevitable. This pain is worse than the pain of the pain he's caused me. What he did...I let that go long ago. Because I know the man I fell in love with and married would never do that. I may sound naive, but I wish y'all knew him like I know him. You'd know this too. So what he did...no comparison to this new pain.

Then one day....he called me "hunny" on the phone. As I was crying. Just like he used to. He didn't know he did this. But I lost it. That was solid confirmation on everything I've been thinking/seeing/feeling!

He regrets what he did and is remorseful. He misses me and is regretting divorce. He is now in the same Hell that he caused me...the Hell of pain of losing your soulmate.

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

But even then I was trying to convince myself I wouldn't go back to him. He damn well knows that I'm still here for him...all he had to do was say something. But he never ever did....so I kept trying to convince myself.

On the night of July 17th I texted him he needs to stop calling and texting so much because I can't handle it. All the while the pain hurts so much and I'm sobbing uncontrollably, trying not to wake the boys.

It all started from there...

Monday, June 16, 2014

The rollercoaster I call Life

It's been awhile since I last updated on how life has been, whether it be on here or fb.

For the most part life is good. For the most part.

I'm still living with my parents. I have NO idea when housing will kick in so I can move out. I have found, by this time now, 4 apartments that are 3 bedrooms and fit under their guidelines for me, and now only 1 is available. I can't put a deposit down until I get the ok unless I want to pay it all on my own and let's face it....my job I have now... there's no way. I have a feeling I'll be saying "I have been sleeping on my parent's couch for a year now" by the time I can move out. My back...killing me. My sanity....lets not even go there. We NEED our own space and SOON!! I hate living out of clothes baskets that get disorganized very quickly. I hate not having my own things. I hate not having my own privacy. I hate that I feel I'm holding Ethan back from walking because I don't like having him on the floor here due to all the dog hair. If I had a better paying job, and child support to help, it'd be a lot easier than waiting on housing.

Speaking of job, I'm still where I've been at. No clinic job yet, BUT I have found out why it's taking so long to get one. I don't have my certification card yet, which has a number on there so employers can find me on the AAMA site to know if I'm legit or not. Since I didn't have that on my applications, they tossed it to the side without even LOOKING at my application. I put in the comments sections that I took the certification exam and passed on such and such a date and have documented proof and so forth, but they never even looked at it because at the very top of the application I didn't have my number.

SO I called all these clinics' HR people and chatted with them, they found my number, and I reapplied everywhere again. This process just happened recently so hopefully this time next month I'll have the job I've always wanted or I'll at least be putting my 2 weeks in.

For now, though, I've been able to work more than I have been since I have a good friend that quit her job so she can be my full time babysitter. Still not making enough though, since it is a minimum wage job. Ridiculous.

Emotional status-mixed. I've been doing good for the most part, but I have been feeling that pain again. I'm also angry. Very. Angry. The boys seem to be getting at the eye of their storm right now, especially Logan. Logan has been crying himself to sleep damn near every night. Cameron does sometimes, but not as much. Because they miss their dad. Eric, since he's so smart and sees our daily life now I guess, thinks that it's my fault. That I'm doing or saying something that makes them hurt like this. And apparently they want to be with him more because he actually does things with them when he has them.

They went from seeing you everyday and talking to you everyday to no phone calls and twice a month of seeing you. You are their DAD. What about this is difficult for him to comprehend and feels the need to think that they are kids so they shouldn't still hurt after this long and feel the need to think I'm doing something to them? If roles were reversed and he had them full time, they'd cry for me, no matter how "awesome" he was for them.

I could write an entire separate blog about this crap. I'm doing all that I can for my boys to help them. I may have my issues with Eric, but I NEVER speak negatively about him around the boys. I even encourage them to talk to me about their dad in hopes that it helps them. I do whatever I can but since I'm not their dad and that's what's hurting them... I'll never be able to help them 100%.

Boyfriend: He's still amazing. He's just getting more amazing day by day. He has been helping me on my bad days that I've been having lately. He has even gotten to the point where he can just look at me and can tell something is stressing me out. He noticed it one day as I was getting a text from Eric(something on my face or body language must've changed cuz I never said a thing) and he lowered my phone and grabbed my face and said, "you don't need to stress over that. Just breathe and focus on something else." And kissed my forehead. He's not like Eric at all. He never thinks I shouldn't feel the way I feel on certain days or even in certain moments. He doesn't ever think I'm over reacting or thrive on drama and therefore create my own stress. Eric was like that. Drew understands I'm still fighting a battle. A very justifiable battle. And he's there lending me a helping hand when I need it and helps me refocus on what is more important. I say it that way because on those really bad days, I overthink and think obsessively over and over about things that are already done and nothing can be done about it-unimportant.

He's amazing with my boys. He puts them first, even when they aren't there. He's constantly thinking about them. He already has the mind and heart of a dad. It's quite impressive.

Example: one rainy day we all watched a movie together, he tagged along with us while I went shopping for summer clothes and new shoes for the boys(and what guy wants to tag along shopping??), and I mentioned that we were gunna go home when we were done and it's showers and early bed because everyone was kinda blah that day. Plus I was thinking to end the day on that note because the boys' attitudes and hyperness were getting even on my nerves honestly. I want to EASE him into it, not scare him away. Haha!

But Drew was kinda "sad" and said "does it have to be early bed? We can go back to my place and watch another movie."

Then the very next day when I went over without the boys, he just kept asking what movies they've seen and haven't seen then ordered a ton of movies from Netflix to watch with the boys.

When he calls, he asks what the boys are up to and how they're doing. When we make plans, he brings up ideas for the boys. He asks when they'll be with their dad so if he had an idea, he'll plan it around that.

Not only that, but he's there for them like he is for me, emotionally. Logan broke down in public because he was acting way out of line and all I asked was "what's going on that's making you do these things, baby?" Because I know him. He's never like this unless something is bothering him to the point of acting out in anger or hurt. And he broke down crying saying he misses his dad. Drew was with and I was trying to talk to Logan about it, and Drew stepped in and hugged him and kept telling him "it's ok, buddy." And just held him and let him cry.

This man is not going anywhere. He's gotten the worst I can give him (mental breakdown that landed me in the psych hospital) and he's seen how my kids can have bad days and how it greatly affects their behavior. He has seen me AND my children all have bad days and how hard that can be. And he's handled it all very well. Especially....ESPECIALLY for someone who's not used to kids.

So these days, there's a lot of light at the end of my dark tunnel, but I don't feel out of this tunnel just yet. There's a lot of work that needs to be done with not only myself still, but my children. Plus a lot of the day to day stress that also snowballs into everything will be greatly diminished once I can get my own place and have a job that easily pays more than double start off what I'm making now. That and having child support kick in because the boys are growing FAST, especially Logan. Up to this point he's been in hand me downs from family. That resource has run out because he has grown bigger than that resource. Haha!

To wrap this up, for the most part we're doing fine. We're all still just trying to heal. I got through the worst of my storm, and unfortunately, Logan is just hitting his.

Baby steps.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

My boys and Le Boyfriend

After I got released from the hospital after I had my mental breakdown, I felt like Drew deserves to see the real me without all the guards and walls and defense mechanisms I put up for my poor and fragile heart. Not saying I completely let them all down because that's impossible, but I let down a lot of walls. Actually....he knocked a lot of them down himself. He's been working at knocking them down but coming to see me in the hospital and stick with me after that is what knocked them down.

So. I stopped testing him. I watched him though. I watched his eyes and body language closely as he talked. Even when he didn't talk. Just when we would go to the store together or something. When he's looking at produce, I'm studying him.

When I realized how much I'm really studying him is when I realized that I still have a pretty good wall up. I still had one more thing to do to see if he would run. I needed to know sooner rather than later. I don't want to waste my time or his if all he's going to do is walk away just like Eric did. I needed to do this one last thing. Technically 3.

One day I invited him to come have pizza with me at a local pizza place. I said "there's something different this time. I'll have my older two boys with me. Do NOT make it a big deal. I'm going to make it seem like it was unplanned and you are just somebody that I know...a friend." He agreed to it. No hesitations. I wanted to see 2 things. How he would be and how the boys would be if they see that I have a new group of friends and momma has more than just friends who are girls now.

That meet up went as how I seen it would be regarding how my kids would act around him. Cameron was himself. No biggie. Logan was quiet and guarded. Wouldn't open up. Drew surprised me. I expected him to either not pay any attention to them or be too quiet or he was going to try too hard. Nope. He was...good. Real good. He knew when to leave Logan alone and just let him cling to me while staring at Drew with fire in his eyes. He was alright with that.

About a week later I decided it was time for him to meet Ethan. We had a lunch date while the boys were in school. Since Ethan is younger, it's not like he's protecting me like Logan is or anything. He'll play with you. Just don't pick him up if he doesnt see you on a daily basis because he's attached to momma like white on rice! As for Drew's part of it, he was so fascinated with Ethan! He even asked to help feed him so I can eat. Not trying to get brownie points, but just cuz that's Drew. Shocked me!

So after these meetings, it was awhile again before I let the boys around him. I wanted to make sure this wasn't just going to be a quick fling before I did that. I just wanted to test the waters a little bit so I can think on it more. Drew didn't run. The boys did as well as I expected. This is good. Now to just wait and see if this is a quick fling or if it's worth getting the boys to get to know him? I promised I wasn't going to let the boys know anybody I ended up dating if I thought it wasn't going to last. They don't need to see their mom bring a bunch of random guys(not that I'm like that) around randomly then all of a sudden never see them anymore. What if they got attached to one? They've been hurt enough that they don't need that nonsense. From me OR Eric!

After some time, I decided to let the boys be exposed to Drew a little more. Very slowly. I still never made it a big deal and it wasnt like we were going to each other's place. We'd meet up for lunch or ice cream or go watch Drew play hockey. Never made it a big deal. Then once I felt like this is something that's going to last awhile(which is also when we decided to be official) is when the boys see Drew about once a week. It would probably be more if 1-I had my own place 2- our work schedules weren't completely opposite of each other.

With Logan, it didn't take forever like I thought it would for him to open up to Drew. Once he did, I knew all was good. Cuz if Logan won't open up to you, he doesn't like you. So this is a good sign. He still acts goofy around Drew(like...WAY more than the norm), and it's just attention seeking behavior. Not that he's not getting it, it's just he misses that father/son connection he used to get every day and doesn't have it and he's trying to get all Drew's attention on him. I had this conversation with him and that's what it boiled down to.

The boys do adore Drew. Even Ethan. He smiles so big and gets worked up when he sees him. They get excited to see him, they ask about him all the time and when they get to see him next, etc. And the same for Drew. His face lights up when he sees the boys. He asks how they're doing all the time, when the next time for all of us to be together will be, he bounces ideas off of me for something to do with the kids next time, etc.

Drew also knows how to put the boys first. They are my priority. He knows this. It didn't take long for him to adapt to this on his end either. And seeing that in a man when these children aren't even his...amazing. Eric couldn't even do that at the end of our marriage. Still doesn't. This just...astounds me.

Now, the boys realize and know Drew is momma's boyfriend and they are more than ok with that. They are attached to Drew just as Drew is attached to us. They miss him if it's been awhile since the last they've seen him and he misses them.

I will admit I'm still on guard, though. I know Drew isn't going anywhere. If he was, he'd be gone by now. I've already given him the worst I could give him and he didn't even flinch. BUT, my kids adore him. They're attached. I'm guarded for them still. Once in awhile I still remind him of this. And maybe kinda threaten bodily harm if he ever hurts my kids like Eric did.

He's more than ok with this.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

The story continues.

When I got that text from Drew I was floored!! I didn't know what to do! I was sooo not expecting that. Why would he still want to get to know me? I screen shot the text and sent it to my bff with the caption "OMG!!!" All she had to say was "Go for it!"

So...I replied. I said hi in return, told him I'm doing good and I was getting ready for work and I'll talk to him later.

I first went over to his place like a week or two later. I felt really awkward. Why the Hell am I doing this?! We watched a movie and chatted. Asked questions about each other. It was relaxing.

The more I talked to him the more...confused I became. I was confused as to why he was wanting to date me. We considered ourselves dating at this point. Not in a relationship or considered ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend...just good old fashioned dating. Getting to know one another before we decide what we want. When I started getting confused is when I started testing him.

I was also pushing him in my own way. I told him right from the get go I'm an open, honest, up front person. I even told him I will be testing him...a lot. I told him my issues and what caused them. I didn't tell him that I was pushing him though. At that time I thought if I threw all this baggage at him right away he'd see how much of a mess I am, put his tail in between his legs, and run. So I was throwing all this stuff at him, not only to test him on if he'd stay or not, but because I didn't want anything left unsaid. I believed that if I kept all that to myself until later, I might like him too much and that'll be when he runs. So might as well get it out of the way, right?

One night I tell him I need to let him know everything. And it's hard for me to talk about because everything still hurts. He tried telling me I don't have to but I interrupted him and said "yes...I do. You may not understand it, but I do. I have issues and everything that I'm about to tell you are the reasons why. And I will point out specific things that have happened and then say 'this is why I ___' He just said "ok" and was ready to listen.

So I told him. Everything. I told him that mine and Eric's marriage wasn't always bad and I did truly adore and love Eric with everything I had and more. I told him every single thing that happened at the end of our marriage not only my side... but Eric's side. Just so he can get a feel about the entire situation and make his own judgment from it. I owned up to my mistakes and said that I'm not perfect and I know that. I even told him that I still love Eric and I always will. He gave me my boys and we did have a good relationship until life got too hard and it ended up wriggling it's way into our bond. I told him the love that I have for Eric is different now and he shouldn't be worried about anything about that. I know that it would be stupid of me to even go back because he's caused me too much pain and heart ache that it will never be the same. Plus I don't think he'll ever change from what he's turned in to.

So now that I got EVERY SINGLE detail out, my heart is pounding so hard I can hear it my ears, my breaths are shallow, and I want to cry and throw up at the same time. Drew isn't saying anything. Just staring at me. Then I say, "I remind you again. I am not a piece of ass!! I was not making that up when I told you Eric is my one and only for that. Sex to me is not just something you can do with anybody just because you wanna f*@& them. NO! I can't if there's no feeling for the person. I am NOT a piece of ass so don't think I'll be easy!" He just nodded his head and said "I know." And kept staring at me in silence like he's the one trying to read me. So now I say, "I live for my boys. They are my everything. Don't ever think that I would choose you over them. The day you think that is the day you're tossed to the side and gone forever. If and when you do meet my kids, if they end up not liking you after some reasonable amount of time, then you're gone then too, because I'll take their side. They will test you. Especially Logan. So it won't be easy for you if and when you meet them. They love and adore their dad and miss him so much. They're hurting still too. They talk about him a lot, so you may be compared to him with them. If that makes you uncomfortable either get over it or leave..."

Then he interrupted me.

"I'm not going anywhere."

The wind literally got knocked out of me and I was speechless. I got defensive and almost...angry? I asked "why?" Because I had it in my head that all this shit would make him decide that it's too much for him. He's never dated anybody that's gone through a divorce or anybody who has kids. He's never been married. No kids. It doesn't make sense to me.

Then he said, "Your issues and "baggage" don't make you who you are. I know you're testing me because you're guarded. And that's fine. But through that I can see you and I like who you are. I realize you're a mom. I know your kids are the most important in your life. I know it's not just you here. You still loving your ex. I understand that! You've been with him a long time and you have kids together. You can never just stop loving someone after that long and creating a family."

What the Hell is he doing? What kind of being is this??! He can't be human.

So I wrap it up by saying, "Apparently you can just stop loving someone after all that because Eric did. That or he never loved me in the first place and I don't know what's worse. You need to be patient with me. With my issues. I'm still a work in progress and I may have some of these issues for the rest of my life. I will never be the same because of this. And you have to realize that when I have my issues it's NOT because of you. Don't take it personally because it's not you. And I will always tell you that. When I am anxious for whatever reason, I will tell you what I'm freaking out about and why and remind you a zillion times that it's not you. When I do this, it will mainly be because of my lack in trust in everybody. I don't trust anybody anymore. I'm not asking you to fix me because you can't. Only I can fix myself. The only thing you need to do is prove that I can trust you and be a man and treat a woman right."

He said, "ok" and that was that. Of course he took me in and hugged and said he's sorry I went through all that. But I still didn't feel that weight lift off my shoulders.

The reason the weight wasn't lifted?? I was hoping that he was going to run because there was still a part of me that thought my marriage could be saved. EVEN THOUGH I LOGICALLY KNEW it never was going to be. It was just that I was still having a hard time letting go. At this point of Drew and I getting to know each other is when I could slowly start feeling the spiral of my mental condition. The pain never went away, I wasn't coping well, I felt so alone even though I had people around me because nobody ever understood me. I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody. I was hoping Drew would run because I felt this coming on. But I couldn't tell him that. I could tell him anything and everything else to get him to run but I couldn't tell him that. I was still hoping that I could get it under control. Plus I was scared that if I told anybody about my spiral that my kids would get taken away because Eric mentioned something about if I wasn't mentally capable of caring for the kids. I couldn't let anybody take them away from me. I could get it under control.

But I couldn't get it under control. I kept dating Drew and genuinely loved being around him. I was more relaxed and it didn't hurt as much being around him. He somehow made me forget sometimes. And I was scared about that too because I didn't want him to be my "fix." But at the same time, I needed to learn how to move on and that's what Eric literally told me to do...along with other people. So I was trying. Here is this great guy that I do like, but I'm having trouble letting go. Maybe if I allowed myself to date other people instead of pushing them away, then maybe it'll help? And if it doesn't work out then at least I know what will work and what won't, right?

But I don't know what happened. I honestly don't. I spiraled and I couldn't get it under control. I had a mental breakdown of sorts and became suicidal. If you want the story on that, here it is.

But Drew....never ran. He came to see me the instant he found out. He thought it was odd I wasn't answering my phone or returning his texts, until my bff got ahold of him.

It took my mental breakdown and the physicality of someone(not necessarily Drew) other than Eric to come and see and support me at my worst that made something click in my head to help me let go...as shitty as that was. Not saying a mental breakdown is a cure-all, but apparently that one is mine. Want the story of how the click in my head happened and what my thoughts were? Here that one is.

...part 3 to be continued...

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The story you've all been waiting for!

How we met.

And when.

I wasn't planning on going out for New Year's because I was still in my funk and I didn't want to deal with drunk people and I thought I'd just be an emotional mess. Nobody wants to see that in bars.

BUT my mom and best friend convinced me otherwise (more like forced me). My mom said I need to live a little, get it out of my system, go have some fun, etc. Because I never did anything. Well...the first month after I left Eric I went out a lot. Every weekend...like what he does. THAT got real old real fast.

Anyways...

I ended up having to travel about 30-40 miles to go get my bestie because of some last minute vehicle issues. The night could've been cancelled easily, but I was already ready for the night and I actually managed to get myself hyped up for it. Plus, I couldn't even remember the last time my bestie and I had a girls night.

So her and I went to a popular bar here and she seen her brother's wife after we got our drinks and walked around to find a place to sit. So we decided to join them. It was my bestie's brother and his wife, another married couple that are their best friends, another guy, and Drew. All seats were taken, and I noticed this tall skinny guy got up and said I could take his seat, then proceeded to go grab another chair from a different table and got that for himself. We sat next to each other.

Random tidbit: My bff noticed him right away and thought he was really good looking. Did I notice him? No. Haha! I'm not the kind of person to notice people's looks right away, especially then. I was still committed to Eric, even though we were getting a divorce.

He broke the ice first and asked my name and such. I went with it...hesitantly. Remember when I said I went out every weekend after that first month? Every time I went out there was always some guy who would obviously hit on me and want to take me home. I'm not like that and guys who do that are gross and desperate(these people don't boost my confidence at all.) And I'm not stupid. Honey, don't give me your full name while trying to hit on me in a drunken, pathetic manner because I'm creeping you on fb as we speak and...oh! What's this? "In a relationship/married?!" Yea...not impressed with "meeting" people at the bar. Plus I'm just not ready. I have ZERO interest in dating.

But this Drew character wasn't hitting on me. Just talking. So I was OK with it...until he was starting to ask a lot of questions. Then I got on guard and wanted to know why this stranger wanted to know so much about me. I understand for conversation sake, but in my mind at that time was not OK with it. I was reeeaaallllllyy overprotective over myself and in my mind it was getting to be too much. If that makes sense? So, I would get up to go to the bar to get my drinks to kind of break the questioning apart.

After some time I went to the bathroom, bff in tow, and once we were out of ear shot she had to burst out from excitement "Drew is asking about you!!! That first time you left the table he asked me what your story was and every other time you left he'd ask more." What the hell?!! So I asked what she said and she said "Everything. I just didn't give him the details." Meaning she told him about the divorce and I have kids.

Dammit!

So we get back to the table and I'm on defense. I sat next to him and said, "I'm legally married. Going through a divorce, but I'm still legally married." What did he say? "I'm sorry to hear that. How long were you together?" Dafuq? Usually that turns men away. Some not all. So I give him the details on that then say, "I have 3 sons with him." I grab my phone and show him pictures. This will for sure get him to back off because in my experience, men looking for a woman at a bar run at that. Men are stupid and juvenile.

He asks how old are they and what are their names. I'm speechless for a bit then give him those details.

At this point my bff and I go out on the dance floor and get our dancing out. She then goes to get Drew and makes us dance. Really?? I know what she's up to now. She's trying to hook us up.

Not. Gunna. Happen.

So by this point it's getting to be close to counting down for the New Year. I overhear my bff telling Drew to kiss me to bring in 2014. Just as I'm about to freak out on her I overhear him say "No. I like her, but I'm not going to do anything that will make her uncomfortable."

After we celebrate the New Year rolling in, we decide to go to my bff's brother's house to play cards. Drew is there. So he takes his place next to me when I sit somewhere. We play for a little bit and all of us decide we're just going to crash there. Now that we don't have distractions like loud bar music or card games, he continues to question me. I'm tired and have to get up in a few short hours to bring my best friend back home.

So I finally let him have it all. I said, "look...you seem like a nice guy. But I have serious issues. Trust issues especially. I've been broken hearted and have been dealing with a pain like no other. Not only that, but I have to deal with my boys' pain, which makes me hurt so much more than I already am. I am not the person you want to chase. Even if you're just looking for a night of fun, because I am NOT a piece of ass! My soon-to-be ex husband is the only man I've ever been with. I am PROUD of that. I value myself more than just a one-nighter or bootie call. So don't expect anything from me regarding that. I have children. I have to live for them. I have a lot of work to do with myself and it's going to be a long, hard road. You are only seeing the fun, outgoing me tonight, but there's so much more underneath this that you don't want to see. Trust me, you don't want this."

He leaned in and kissed me. And I shocked myself by kissing him back. He looked at me and said, "I just want to get to know you. There's this air about you that I'm drawn to. I'm not looking for sex. I wasn't looking for anything. Then I seen you and I just want to know you."

And here my best friend is in the background where I can see her but Drew can't, freaking out that I finally kissed somebody after Eric. Of course she is. Lol

Since there's no room anywhere and I have like 2 hours before we have to leave to travel back, we just pass out sitting up on the couch together, and he's cuddling me. I let myself not care about the cuddling because I've missed it so much. It didn't feel right to me at that time, because it wasn't Eric. But it was that physical hug around my body from somebody that I craved. So I allowed it.

When my alarm went off, I still hadn't slept. I was thinking waaayyy too much. I felt weird... and honestly I felt horrible because I kissed another man. And here I am with him cuddling me. Then as I got up I shrugged it off because it won't happen again. It was a night of fun and drinking and he probably won't remember me when he wakes up. I don't know if he was that drunk or not... didn't seem like it at all but you never know.

I get my bff up so we can go and Drew gets up. I thought he was out cold! He asks where do we go from here and I say I don't know. I told him I never gave it a thought. Then he says again that he wants to get to know me more. I stare at him, trying to read him, and decided to give him my number. I said to text first because I don't answer numbers I don't recognize. If I didn't give him my number, my bff would so either way he was going to end up with my number.

I shrugged it off thinking he was going to lose it somehow, or just decide that he was in over his head wanting to know a damaged, broken, woman of divorce with 3 small children. I was not expecting him to get back to me at all. If I did, I wouldn't have given my number. If I was smart about it, I would have given him a fake number... But I didn't think about that obviously.

Because 3 days later I got a text from Drew...

...to be continued...