Saturday, June 13, 2015
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Saturday, October 25, 2014
LIFE IS BUSY!
I never realized how little I was doing while we were separated. I thought I was busy then! I mean there were times where life was busy and chaotic, But for the most part I was withdrawn and not...there. I did nothing for myself or for the boys. I just made sure their basic needs were met and they didn't see me falling apart. That in itself was enough to exhaust me.
But now...I have the zest for life back and want to do things. Not only for my boys but for my family as a whole, for Eric, for us...our marriage, and for myself. I'm more in with the present and involved more in life in general. Especially with and for my family.
I'll first touch base on the boys and how they've been. As you all know there were anger issues with them, they acted out a lot, as well as them breaking down a lot because they were so heartbroken. I worried about their transition back into the life of mom and dad being together again because they became attached to Drew. I'm shocked at how the boys became literally overnight once we broke the news to them that mommy and daddy are together again.
All the anger and heartbreak and acting out stopped dead in it's tracks. Literally. It wasn't even a transition. My boys were my boys again literally overnight.
As for them when it came to Drew...that was another worry I had. I worried they would miss him like they missed their dad and I'd have a whole different round of this...thing.
Of course they were sad when we explained to them that Drew wouldn't be in their lives anymore, But that was short lived. To this day I still watch them and see if there's anything that points to them missing Drew because I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about him. He was a part of their lives, for a short time, but he played a significant role in helping them through their tough days.
Since then, there's only been one time Drew was brought up, And that was by Cameron asking if I remember that he made Drew a trophy for hockey. It wasn't sad, Just...a random thought he felt needed to be heard. And that was that.
Ethan is still in that young stage where he just glides with life as it is and I don't see any changes in him in either direction regarding any of this. Which I am thankful for.
I still worry about how this will affect the boys when they get older. All in one year they seen their parents split, their mom be with another man who wanted to be a part of our lives as a family, then their parents get back together pretty much out of the blue and pick up the pieces after that crazy ride.
But all in all....life is good. Great. Wonderful. Amazing. Happy. Complete.
There are times where it's hard. I won't sugar coat that. It's not all easy. I still get flashbacks of the pain I went through and the reason for the pain. I still get angry over what happened. But we're working through it. Together. Eric is there for me 1,000% when I have those moments. I fall-He catches me. Same goes for him.
I will admit there are times I panic slightly. I'm scared. Terrified of getting hurt again. But again...I'm working on it. WE'RE working on it.
What makes everything even better is I finally have my big girl job! It's getting better each and every day. Sucks being the new kid on the block, but I'm getting there. :) It's a job that I love, it doesn't stress me out, and financially helps out a lot!
My dreams have come true.
My boys are happy, Eric is happy, I'm happy. My family is together and complete. There's so much love here. That's all that matters.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
The title sounds awful, doesn't it?
I did feel awful about it. Drew didn't deserve a broken heart.
I had to do it over the phone. I hated that I had to do it over the phone. He was out of town for work for the week and I didn't want the fact that I was back with my husband and keep quiet about it for a few days til he got back on my conscience.
Eric said he'll help me through it. He knew I felt bad, he knew I'd cry, he knew I'd probably be hurt for doing it, but he understood. Drew was there for me in my darkest moments in life. And he treated me and my boys perfectly. He loved us, and it was apparent and obvious to everyone around us. He talked about marriage and honeymoons and more kids and houses and our future together.
I knew I was going to crush his heart and that hurt me because I knew exactly what it felt like. Drew doesn't deserve that. He's too good of a man to have anything like that happen. But I had to. My heart wasn't 100% with him, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard I wanted it to. My heart feels home with Eric and even moreso now that he wants to do whatever it takes to fix things.
So when he called me that evening that Eric and I got back together, I did not want to answer. I hated having to give him this kind of news when just the night before I told him I couldn't wait til the week was over so I can see him again. I told him I needed a hug. The reason I needed the hug was cuz my heart hurt over Eric and I somehow thought having Drew close to me like that would distract those thoughts. He was like my drug to try and keep me grounded.
Eric was still with me when Drew called and he was rubbing my arms, shoulders, back, etc while I was talking to Drew. He kept mouthing "I'm sorry" while I was breaking up with Drew and trying to explain everything the best I can. Eric felt bad about the situation and was apologizing for me having be stuck in the middle of this mess. He told me afterwards that he was so sorry that I had to go through that. He also said couldn't believe that I chose someone who hurt me over someone who helped me.
After I told Drew that I was not getting a divorce and Eric and I were gunna work on things, he was so taken aback he was speechless. I had to keep saying "Drew, talk to me" to get him to say anything and it still wasn't much. Understandably. I told him "I understand if you're angry and end up hating me. If you're not angry now, you will be later and that's ok. You don't deserve this and you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt. And I really didn't want to do this over the phone. I didn't come to this decision lightly. Trust me, it was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life." He said he doesn't hate me and isn't angry. He's just confused and wanted to know if Eric is forcing me to do this. I told him I'm doing it on my own. And when he gets back in town, I'll meet up with him in person and talk to him more about it and he can see the boys. He at least deserves that.
When we met in person he said "you don't have to do this. What if he hurts you again? You probably will get hurt again. He will hurt you again. I will never do that to you! I can and will give you a better life. A life without the pain he's caused you." I just told him "if I do end up getting hurt. Then I'm a dumbass. A fool. Cuz then I lost my husband again AND you. But that would be my karma. My heart is telling me this is the right thing and I'll be ok. As much as I hate doing this to you. I have to. My heart feels at home, Drew."
Then he said goodbye to the boys, and we went our separate ways.
A couple days later I got a letter from Drew with a pile of my stuff from his place that I left there. The letter stated he understands. He said he's not mad and he doesn't hate me. He could never be angry with me or hate me. He said he understands that we can't even be friends and will respect Eric and I by staying away. He hopes that Eric treats me right and how I deserve and I deserve to be treated like a Goddess. He hopes that Eric knows and realizes what he just got back, because me and the boys are perfect and we deserve nothing but the best. He hopes I'm happy and will continue to be happy and hope it works out for us. He only wants me to be happy.
I break his heart and he's still Mr. Perfect. I showed Eric the letter and he finally seen what I've been telling him about Drew. He's kinda perfect.
It's very telling if I bag Mr. Perfect and I'm still not happy.
Eric seen that.
I don't know how Drew is doing today, but I hope he's doing ok. He says I deserve nothing but the best...same goes for him. I'm very thankful I met him and appreciate everything he has done for me and the boys.
It's probably because of him I'm still here.